There seems to be no alternative. Life here has become tight for me. But no hand reaches out to save me from this fate. No ear that hears my cry. Several people who tell me get out of there, you are wasted, but no one who tells me how to do it, what to do, how to find the strength to get out of this situation. It is not so easy when you are no longer a girl, when everything scares you, when you have no more hope in life, when you feel you have already arrived and you have thrown in the towel. Is it possible that there is no way? Could it be that all breath was wasted?
More and more often I hear people say that you feel alone. Everyone says it but then nothing is done to bond with others. One selects, one discards, one becomes misanthropic. We deny ourselves, we close ourselves off, we become hostile, acidic, suspicious, and always behind the screen, there, fixed on looking for a solution for an increasingly false life. We complain of loneliness but then as soon as you invite someone to come out of the shell, a thousand excuses are presented to you. So who wants to stay alone because then he complains? Who does not want to live in reality anymore because they complain of not finding anyone? The virtual world is absorbing everyone. All! It is becoming like a large cage where people stop breathing and pretend to breathe. He can’t say enough. He can’t say No. He can’t say ok, I’m coming, I’m leaving, I’ll come to you, see you, we know each other, ok, in reality, on the skin. All hidden behind this screen. But aren’t you tired?
There are things that cannot be said to anyone.
There are lives that cannot be told.
Moments when you feel like you don't belong to these people, this planet.
Moments when you doubt what you see, what you have been taught, what you have been taught.
There are moments when you think that this did not happen by chance, that there is a reason why you came so close to the truth but you don't know how to get into this corner of the world that you didn't know existed.
There is no one way for everyone and there is not even one way.
But you know that you have to take it because by now you have taken a road with no return and you have to find the stargate and be able to pass beyond.
When you lose your heart to whom do you attribute this loss? A fall, a slide into reality? A failed mission or a love not received? When you lose your heart it’s like a hole. Or is it just a hole and nothing else. A hole inside the body that cannot be filled. You hold your heart in your hand, you touch it, but you don’t see it beating anymore. No one has ever touched this heart disease since. Nobody can get me back to life. What is causing so much loss? Perhaps a part of the parents remains in us. Maybe something is lost in childhood. Then we no longer find what we had. But I feel very dull. Very empty.
I got wet with colors but I couldn’t color anymore. I have lost those signs and forms of myself that saved me. I closed all my creation in rigid boxes. I got stiff too. No form seems to appeal to my mind anymore, be it human or inhuman. Only in dreams can I feel, have emotions. This way of being, this way of not feeling is so strange. Some time ago I was expecting the dark knight, the black man, the sublime executioner. Now I’m not expecting anyone anymore. Nobody can color my days. There is no pleasure in living this way but it is inner survival. You paint me but I can’t give myself a new shape.
There are days when I wonder how everyone could have disappeared from within me. How can they have passed into me and canceled in this way. There are days I don’t remember what the Faun looked like, and other days when I remember it very well. And it could be the change. Entering his labyrinth but it did not happen. And I find myself here and ask for a change. I ask myself but I can’t. I feel inside an increasingly narrow labyrinth that suffocates me. No monster, not even one, no ogre, no elf, not even a nimbly strange being that can spread its wings and take me away.
Each story begins and ends. This idea of a soul mate that lasts with us forever is an illusion that often leads us to look for something special in the other that we actually have ourselves. I have been with my husband for 16 years and fate or not a relationship is built over time and patience. I believe in karma and I attended the Hare Krishnas in London and the peace of their temple which gave me so much serenity and helped me in times of solitude. But then we have to trace the road step by step until we free ourselves from many ideas that condition our life. So as to become more independent and happy.
Why don’t many women raise their arms, scream and rebel? Because they were killed by girls by men who abused them. This is why they continue to suffer without having the strength to rebel. Because they have been killed inside and cannot see each other, feel, live wanting something. They are like ghosts of themselves. We are always overwhelmed by those atrocious memories that cause us panic, depression and inner death. This is why we are unable to have more strength in our voice. We have been killed. I died at 4. Nobody can give me back my childhood and I hope that mankind will all disappear from the face of the earth. I don’t forgive anyone.
THE PRODIGY OF IDEAS 