KILLING DEEP SOFTLY

When I stay in my depth and see those things that were important and that now float in nothingness, I feel relieved. I feel liquid like water on the ceiling. I received a lot of energy and I have wasted just as much on many things. But when I look back I see the depth of the sea in which I drowned alone and from which I emerged several times.

I think I’ll always be a romantic, you know? Someone could completely rip out my heart and walk away and I’d still be willing to believe in love again. They say hope breeds eternal misery, but really without hope, what else have we got?

I am tired of being a person. Not just tired of being the person I was, but any person at all. I like watching people, but I don’t like talking to them, dealing with them, pleasing them, or offending them… I am tired. All I wanted was to live a life where I could be me, and be okay with that. I had no need for material possessions, money or even close friends with me on my journey. I never understood people very well anyway, and they never seemed to understand me very well either. All I wanted was my art and the chance to be the creator of my own world, my own reality. I wanted the open road and new beginnings every day.

I was Alice in chains. I was Alice inside the cat and I was meowing. But the wonderland was far away. I believed the rabbit. I loved the mad hatter. I loved the queen and lost my heart. You’re gone, but I remember you, i remember the light in your eyes, the sound of your laughter that sounded like heaven and the warmth of your voice that sounded like a lullaby. I remember you by the unconditional love you carried inside and by the purity and the innocence of your dreams. I remember the way you payed attention when people talked, the way you cared for details, the way you showed love. I remember how your hands and fingers looked like when playing music, i remember the way you performed on stage and the way you shined like a star. And, i remember the way you cried, the way you begged for help, the way you fell apart. I remember your desperation and your sadness, i remember your lack of energy and the pain in your eyes. I remember the way you lost your fight and the day you said goodbye. I remember you by all your little things, i remember you by what you left behind.