HOW DO I FEEL?

How do you feel when everything you do never gets paid for? When are you the only one fighting, but keep getting attacks and defending yourself with a meager patch shield? How do you feel when you see everything shattered, when the closer you get to something, the more it moves away from you? Disappointed, in pieces. You just want to break down, unplug and pass your joystick to someone who can win your war, because you know that if you keep playing, you will keep losing.
Last night I had an absurd mood swings. It is a particular period, as it is for everyone, and I am living it differently than a few months ago … in all respects. I’m not who I want to be with and where I want to be. At first I let the pressure and the sense of not belonging slip on me, only in the last period and especially in the last days I have more bad mood than anything else. Not intended only as sadness, but also as anger, boredom, apathy and nostalgia. I cashed in and cashed in, slipped, improved and perfected, but the road is still long and I didn’t stop to breathe a little. This is why tonight I missed the air even more and I was sick, I was crying and sobbing. Then, as every time, I recovered slowly. I fell asleep late and slept little, I collapsed destroyed at five in a heavy sleep … I slept well at least! I don’t usually ask for help or talk about these moments because I don’t like being looked at with different eyes and showing what my weaknesses are, and I don’t even do it with the people I love that I know could take me high in a second. Zero nightmares.
For dinner my husband ordered sandwiches from Burgher King so yes, they eat sandwiches and I ate bulgur and vegetables. But I wasn’t very hungry and then the smell of those sandwiches disgusts me. After dinner we went to my sister-in-law to watch a series. The streets were deserted, dimly lit and very sad. On the way, however, I saw six balconies of different houses decorated with lights of every color and I thought that sometimes someone would like it to be always Christmas. The streets were deserted and sad-looking and I like to think that people had put lights on to give soul and color to the streets. Once home we sat on the sofa to watch RAGNAROK, because she likes Thor. At home I never watch TV, and the two of us have never seen it together, but in reality we have never spent time together after my wedding. Anyway I like her with her, she’s relaxing and we have fun. Now I’m in bed, I’m sleepy but I want to look at flowers, they relax me. If you like, can you recommend me some movies / TV series in the comments, privately or anonymously?

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. cattalespress
    Aug 22, 2021 @ 14:40:01

    This post is beautiful and so are you. I love this line (among so many other lines!): “You just want to break down, unplug and pass your joystick to someone who can win your war, because you know that if you keep playing, you will keep losing.” Sending virtual hugs! 🤍

    Reply

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