I’m going crazy again, I think. I can’t tell the difference between who I am and who I decided to be, between what I like and what I should like. Oh no, being told that I am apathetic or that I pretend disinterest certainly does not help. I have tried, really, I have considered this hypothesis several times, often I have also hoped for it, but no, this is not the case. And not being taken seriously even by those three people I was able to talk about it brings me down even more. I am not an exhibitionist. I don’t think I’m someone who likes to be pitied. Also because of what I consider “my real problems” this is the only one I have mentioned. But nothing, I invent everything for them. I don’t want people to talk about me. If I confessed this it is because I wanted to avoid at least the people closest to me judging me like everyone else, but apparently I only made the situation worse. Besides being weird now I’m also a liar. Fortunately, their gazes don’t reach the house, so I can be the one who is perhaps myself even in the sunlight. This morning I spent several hours working with the grinder to restore a chest and I felt incredibly relaxed. At that moment it didn’t matter what the other billions of human beings on Earth were doing or thinking, even I was living, I was also doing something. But then the evening arrives and I wonder if this is really me. It has been established that I feel bad around some people and that I don’t like things that everyone likes, but is this really my way?
Because if in thirty years it will still be loneliness and artificial intelligence then I will have a big problem. Because I can’t do anything about it but I prefer to leave the house, I prefer to talk live, I prefer to play on real grass, that is all those things that many others no longer do and I am the only one who does not play video games, the only one who does not watch movies from the 80s, the only one who doesn’t follow influencers, the only one who isn’t on social media … At that point what would I do with an adolescence spent between Turing’s books and projects that I wonder if I will be able to complete? And then a movie from last night made me really consider for the first time the possibility that a disease like Alzhaimer could take my mind away, which is what I live on. I thought that pushing everyone away would save me from future goodbyes but in reality there is always the possibility that I myself will abandon myself. This lack of certainty torments me, last night I felt again with no way out, even if for a few moments .. now I know how to calm down. However, I begin to have other types of doubts as well.
It probably all started in the childhood years, when my mother did not consider me and the classmates were already talking about their wedding dress. It was probably all the work of an internal immune system. Instead of becoming a chronic depressed person or a rebel without rules, something inside me has gradually developed an ideal world in which to take refuge. It’s all pink and perfect, it’s fair and innocent. In the years of puberty it sometimes became melancholy because I relived the memories, but also a place full of hope where to invent the endings of my stories. At first it can be seen as a state of infantile superficiality, instead it is an infinite universe yet to be explored, which is why I sometimes get lost. It scares me so much when it happens, but I’m sure I was lucky to be so different, the result of such a complicated situation, because when I get lost it’s just the beginning of a new acquaintance. You know Alice in Wonderland? There. Sometimes I would like to be like her, discover new places, follow the white rabbit. All the work of my genius. Even if every now and then I doubt that it is a condemnation, more and more often I realize that everything returns, everything follows destiny and this new knowledge allows me to go deeper, to get in touch with new dimensions. And I don’t feel that free.

7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. LAMarcom
    Sep 05, 2021 @ 20:51:46

    Wow! I am not going to lie to you. I have just barely skimmed this, but I will return later today and pour over it and your site as well. Early indicators point to possibilities that we have a lot of the same ‘attitudes’—is that a word? Just kidding. I know it is.
    Your site holds some, a lot of my interest. Just in the middle of something at this moment… I’ll be back.
    Very soon.
    I just followed you.
    Hope you don’t mind.

    While you wait (I am joking of course)
    But while you wait…

    When The Men On The Chessboard Get Up & Tell You Where To Go…


  2. bezSzelestna
    Sep 06, 2021 @ 10:17:45

    When you feel losing your mind, and you don’t know who you are, just search for quietness , go to nature, to the forest, find in your mine yourself, only in deep peace you will hear and then ask aloud what you like, what you interesting in …. step by step up to loving and love 🙂


    • Fairy Queen
      Sep 06, 2021 @ 10:28:14

      Thanks for your advice. I live in a greenarea, I’ve got already silence all around my house. Here there are only trees and birds. I don’t like to live here, I like living in a city, because here I feellobely, I don’t see anyone around and this causes me sadness. I love the city, I used tolive in London and Milan, among people. Silence is sad for me.
      My doubt about myself is because I was an artist, until some time ago, I had another name, I had another kind of life. And now is the opposite life I’d like to have.
      I love woods and Nature but I don’t like to live in a lonely place. 😕


      • bezSzelestna
        Sep 06, 2021 @ 13:23:44

        You see, I did live in a big city Toronto, and was way to much loud and crowd, this is why I am looking for piece,
        but if you happy among people you should be between them 🙂

      • Fairy Queen
        Sep 06, 2021 @ 18:42:26

        I’ve been in Toronto 2 years ago and I love it. But we had rented a house in NewMarket and this village was so desolate. I don’t like desert streets and noone aroubd. I like to see people. We were there when Toronto Raptors wan. 😁

      • bezSzelestna
        Sep 06, 2021 @ 13:43:23

        the another way, you try to have or happens to happen you end up in trees but your soul is looking for more noise … ?

      • Fairy Queen
        Sep 06, 2021 @ 18:38:23

        My soul is looking for life, places where life products, creates, pulsates. Here is desolation, no human being, no neighbors. I need human contact, I need to talk to someone, I need to hear and see people doing something. Cities for me are full of stimuli for me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: