I WASN’T READY TO SEE YOU

I wasn’t ready to see you, but in saying it, or rather in writing it, I already somehow realize I’m lying to you. Actually I hadn’t wanted anything else for a long time, only that I didn’t dare to confess or rather I didn’t dare hope that life would offer me a new opportunity to see you. I know I have no right to say this because I have behaved terribly to you. If you wiped me from your mind you did very well, if you have a grudge against me, I can not help but understand. I disappeared from your life without a shred of justification. In hindsight, I can tell you that I was living in such a confused state that I was not aware of my actions. When an animal is afraid, what does it do? If it is strong enough it attacks, otherwise it flees. Or pretend to be dead. I couldn’t pretend I was dead because I had been inside for a long time. That’s why I ran away. I felt trapped. You wanted things from me that I was unable to give you. I was afraid of realizing too late that that step you were asking of me was a wrong step. Many ties may be wrecked because of this, because, in the wave of sentiment, one is captured by an enthusiasm that has nothing to do with reality. If we both fell into that trap, what would we do? We would have ended up biting each other like rats locked up in a cage that is too tight. At first they would have been gentle bites, warning bites but then, over time, we would have gotten to eat us and I loved you too much to drag you into a life you didn’t deserve. And then there was another ghost in my life. I felt you were becoming too important to me and important relationships made me – and still do – fear. As long as you are alone, it is enough for yourself, but when another person enters your life and conquers it inch by inch, what can you do? If the person suddenly changes his mind and abandons you or dies, what can you do with the part of you that remains empty? If I wrote this letter it is only to ask your forgiveness. You have no guilt, no responsibility in the end of our story. The weight of the loss will forever weigh on my shoulders. It helped me to understand that it is not possible to create paradises on earth. I don’t know if this letter will reach your hands. If it arrives, if you read it, it will perhaps end up torn or float for a while in the murky waters of the port. Seeing you shocked me, so many things moved inside me and I couldn’t help but write to you. Forgive me for this too.

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