VIRTUE

I know I’m not always the best of the best. Often being paranoid and heavy. I have a thousand doubts and a thousand insecurities, I ask a thousand questions and the answers are not always certainties. I would like to live without thinking about the time that passes and the fear of not having lived every moment of this life long enough. I worry too much about the future given my past which alas will always leverage my present. It is that certain things you do not forget, certain things you carry them inside and the signs remain on you. They can be read in your eyes and feel under your hand with every caress that you find it hard to find sincere. After a hug you always expect a stab, and after a smile you are afraid that something will replace it with tears or silent screams. I learned not to let others hear me because to hear they hear, it is to listen that they do not listen. Just as when they stare at you, they see you but don’t look at you. It would take patience with me, but patience is a virtue that not everyone has, and besides, with someone like me, I would lose it too.

Cracks have opened within us. Everyone is an unsinkable ship at first. Then some things happen to us: people who leave us, who don’t love us, who don’t understand us or whom we don’t understand, and we get lost, we make mistakes, we hurt each other. And the hull begins to crack. And when it breaks there is nothing to be done, the end is inevitable. However, there is a lot of time between when the cracks start to form and when we fall apart. And it is only in those moments that we can see ourselves, because we see outside ourselves, through our cracks and into others through theirs. Once the hull falls apart, however, the light enters. And goes out.