I always keep myself so consistent with my words, too! As if my words were my thoughts, unique and immobile. It’s like saying things out loud, or writing them (to anyone), locks me in a cage. From that moment on, I can’t get rid of the terrible thought that by doing something that (even if only apparently) contradicts what I said, it makes me attackable, because I hate it, I mean being attacked, even if I knew how to defend myself, I avoid doing it, I don’t have I never stimulate him to do so, and so I let things slip away, I laugh, I always laugh. I’m starting to wonder if I’ve ever had a real laugh, but real seriously I mean! Laughing has become the alternative to everything: getting angry, screaming, talking, crying, and who knows how much else … The cage that I have now doesn’t let you see much light, it’s so thick and dark, ah, if at least it were colored! Instead it is black, very black. I am imprisoned with my words, which I have reserved for a few, but even those few should not have made me speak, because words do not bounce off certain people, but are absorbed by them, I cannot get this idea out of my head and tortures me. I don’t want to talk to anyone anymore, I don’t want to feel the need anymore, which is already a very small need, but I still often give in! If I really want freedom, I have to be alone with myself, I have to escape from anyone and anything, to find an isolated but beautiful place, all mine but nobody’s. And instead this miserable existence of mine will continue in the worst of the chessboards, and I will always be on the corner, ignored, but I will always feel in the center, derided and observed, unable to move, motionless and sad.

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. haoyando
    Nov 29, 2021 @ 12:23:19

    Great thoughts and it’s great to say them aloud. Yes, sometimes, avoidance becomes a habit…


  2. Ashley
    Nov 29, 2021 @ 14:36:59

    A real contrast to your previous post (wabi-sabi)! I’ve never thought of you being “caged” quite the opposite, with vibrant thoughts about many things aand many places. Am I wrong? 🌹🙋‍♂️


    • Fairy Queen
      Nov 30, 2021 @ 12:49:24

      You can be imprisoned by diseases, by people, by a beautiful past, you can be imprisoned by an uncertain future, by an unstable economic situation, … There are moments of unreal freedom and moments of realistic imprisonment. None of us are truly free because we have a name, a social status, an Ego, an address, a fiscal status … If you remember the movie “Into the wild” you will understand that none of us have chosen where to be born, to belong to one state, to a government, of being tied to a family, to money, to a social position … You can be deceptively free but you never have real freedom. So I am free in my imagination and creativity but in the real world I am imprisoned by my health and my financial situation. Now I have asked to have the certificate of disability to be able to buy the drugs but I do not know if they will accept the request.


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