UNDERWATER BALLS

There is more silence today, perhaps more than it has ever been, but it is a beautiful silence. A thoughtful silence. And so I think about the days to come and how they will hurt and I will need you but the distance will hide you and the world will seem cruel. And I will hate him for it. I think I will hate a lot of things. And so I think about how I will try to keep it alive. How will I save all the words that I have scattered in my mind. I will collect them all so that in the moments when I fear fading I will return to them. Relive the past just like Gatsby said it. I could be as crazy as he is. And I don’t think I’ll ever feel alone if I hold on to what you said. Only when the words break will I be truly alone. And I have a feeling you won’t let that happen. ….. The first words that come to my mind are. I like to complicate things. I like to complicate things in a beautiful way. I’m not sure if it’s frustrating or manic for people, but I want to see their faces all happy and confused. I want to do things in the craziest way possible to show that I care. To show that I love. I want to commit to doing something no one else would do and see the expression on their faces. That’s all I want. I just want to see their faces light up and say “What’s wrong with you? Because? Oh my God ”That’s all I want. I want to show them that the beauty of what they give me has to be something worth remembering and the only way I know of to do that is to give them a story to remember …

Do you see that light? It is brighter than the sun. Maybe that’s what we’ll see when the end comes. No, that’s not what you think. He is a man with a cigarette hiding in the trees. Yes, it is fading now. The only thing that has kept us warm so far. We are just losing ourselves in what we feel. ….. I know I spend too much time worrying, wondering and looking back on past things and moments in the past and the still reverberating echoes of my history, but these are the things we know for sure, aren’t they? Those things are certain and no one can say anything against it. The past can be confirmed by everyone because we have already been there. We have lived it. We all have different versions of it, a different story to tell, but the important thing is that we had those stories and they actually happened. I don’t know why, I don’t understand any of this and it might confuse many of you, but the thing that bothers me the most is why the things that happened so long ago have such a powerful effect on your soul. How can something be so real? It might sound ridiculous to most, but that’s the only way I understand it. Sometimes it’s almost too good to feel what I’m feeling. There is just no explanation. The explanation will always be vague and even if I feel it right now and have no doubts in my mind that what I feel is real, it cannot be explained. I think this must be the exact state of thought my mind is in right now. How confused and confused are the internal mechanisms of my brain.