A NECKLACE

It's a cold day inside of me today, I realized when I woke up, and the first thing I did was pull back the curtains and admire that beautiful sun.

He tried to warm me with his powerful rays but failed.

Today is one of those days where I think everything I do is in vain.

I've spent the last few years working on myself. To protect me from everyone.

And if I had opened that window some time ago, that sun would have warmed my heart, I would have noticed the lady who lives right in front of me, I would have noticed every detail. Like her blonde hair always in warp even after she just woke up. The way she observed passers-by but suddenly turned behind her and went away, I would have seen her go away to enter the kitchen, to help her husband who was asking for "help" for a failure in the TV remote control.

And I would have smiled.

I would have noticed the bits of dust floating in those bright bands of sun.

But I didn't see any of that this morning.

All I saw was my empty bed, worn out by a devastating night.

The pillow wet from the dramas, the sheets impregnated with mistakes, the book reread a hundred times on the bedside table full of burnt hopes.

I close my eyes for a moment and I see him, I see someone on my bed asking me to lie down with him, who between one caress and the next, every drama goes into paranoia and leaves the room. That between a kiss and a look, given this way, almost without thinking about it, I see a rose blossom on that bedside table, making that cigarette that stinks of regrets and wasted efforts disappear.

But then I open them again, look down and see only those tattoos on my arms that are there to never make me forget that certain battles are too difficult to win.

And I also smile, yes, because sometimes I really believe in the bullshit I say to myself to cheer myself up, that after three minutes, it has the same effectiveness as a television teleshopping, one of those with low budget.

That you see them, and you think “do they really think they make me believe that those knives are capable of cutting even a diamond?”.

And you believe it, you fake it.

Finally, I make my bed, change the sheets, arrange the books under the bed.

I dress.

And I wear it. In all its beauty.

With all its sweetness.

I wear a smile, and even for today, the outfit has been decided.

Embellished with uncertainties and mistakes, persistent paranoia and perennial anxiety that I carry with me as if it were my favorite necklace.
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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Ashley
    Mar 30, 2022 @ 13:45:40

    🤗🌹🙋‍♂️

    Reply

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