LAUGHING JACK

Eyes to the sky, a dark sky, without stars. The silence, dark and cold, with no more screeching. A window that separates me from that world that fits me tight. Nothing to upset me. Me, the silence and the coolness of a April dressed in November. The arms resting on the railing and the head that slowly becomes heavy. What’s giving out? The heart, the mind or the body? And perhaps in the end it is the heart that carefully chooses the most painful moments, those moments in which to turn off because enduring is no longer allowed, because at a certain point endurance is no longer human. And anger arrives, pain arrives, tears arrive, disappointment arrives and loneliness also arrives, because anyone in front of your pain does not understand and yells at you. Or maybe in the end the problem is just you, who always believe so innocently that you are so hurt that you don’t want anything anymore. In the end, it’s not even worth it anymore. The lights beyond that window go out, the screams cease, and you can go back to lie down on a bed drenched in hidden tears.
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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. clcouch123
    Apr 06, 2022 @ 17:39:50

    Stark, challenging text and image. What if the dark, romantic world is not enough? What if turning one’s back on nightmares is better than getting involved, however enticing the nightmare world might be? Pain might be better understood in a dark-world way, but can we stay there? Sorry, I’m applying my own words that might seem way off. I’m simply affected by your work.

    Reply

    • Fairy Queen
      Apr 07, 2022 @ 11:25:47

      I can’t avoid my nightmares. I wish I could pilot my dreams. Then I would do without having to endure always reliving the abuses of my childhood. Unfortunately that dark world was put inside me when I was only 4 years old and for this reason I can’t get rid of it. In some cases it even kept me alive, in other cases it pulled me away from life. But it wasn’t me who chose to enter it. It was imposed on me by a man, a pedophile, an executioner against whom I could not even fight. So the dark world was injected into me like poisonous blood that occasionally comes into circulation. Sometimes it gives me panic attacks, other times it gives me discomfort. I have always tried to channel this dark energy and transform it into colors but I don’t always succeed and afterwards I return torn as before.

      Reply

  2. clcouch123
    Apr 07, 2022 @ 21:12:51

    Romance and darkness cannot work for you, I shouldn’t think. Or even the nighttime for reflection and contemplation, what philosophers enjoy as “the dark night of the soul.” How awful to struggle with any opportunity in night. Worse to have the potential taken away from you so early and criminally. I was assaulted once. And I’ve nearly died from heart attacks and heart disease. I guess I have to say my views on night (pardon the pun) have changed. I try to sleep in the dark and generally find I can’t. If I sleep, I wake up disoriented and unsettled, as if I had been moved or otherwise have no idea of where I am. Generally, I don’t suffer from nightmares as do you. That must be so jarring. We wake up from them, that’s fine. But that we’ve had to have them is the hell of it.

    Reply

    • Fairy Queen
      Apr 13, 2022 @ 07:04:19

      I wake up every morning with anxiety. It’s very bad when you wake up. I dream of many things at night. I do more things at night than during the day. Anxiety every morning is destructive. I don’t know what it is due to. Yet I listen to the birds singing at dawn and I should be calm but I’m not. This war disturbs my awakening. 😞

      Reply

      • clcouch123
        Apr 13, 2022 @ 18:27:26

        I certainly agree about the war (well, and about anxiety, too). Selfishly, I want it to be over now with all the right people winning, all the wrong people losing. Now.

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