The space outside of me is immense, and I feel so small. Your distance is immense. You know, sometimes I spend my days trying to breathe, because since you’re gone, even breathing has become tiring. At first it was difficult to stifle the tears. They appeared suddenly, flaring up in my ordinary life; do you know how difficult it was to hide the streaked face among the people in the train carriages? Trying not to look crazy, to pretend everything was fine? As the days went by, I tried to shelter my heart from sadness, and try not to think about it. But do you know what the absurd thing is? It’s that I also miss the nostalgia I have for you. Then I feel guilty for not thinking about it again, and if I can’t fill my immense empty space with you, then I will do it with my lack of you, Lacks have a weight, they know of that love we promised each other, of those stories we told each other, of the violence with which we said goodbye for the second time, We are ashes again, and I don’t know if there will be the phoenix again. Since you are no longer there I feel lost, because my emotions no longer have a recipient. I try to live, to smile, to blend in with the rest and try to be part of it to the fullest. But it is in the heart of my nights that I realize that all this is not enough for me, that all this is not enough. A small part of you would satisfy me more than the whole cosmology. I would like to hate you because you didn’t realize what we could have been. All that love, all that respect, the laughter, the time zones, the furious quarrels, our pride, my insecurities, your coldness, the nights in Paris, the bites on the lips that smell of life … if I think of everything this and all we could have done again, anger rises in my heart. It was all taken away from me too soon. The time I was allowed to love you was too short but love has no countdown. You told me I want to love you but I cannot love, and I accepted it because we are a contradiction. And contradicting myself, I tell you that even if the fire of my hatred towards you is brighter, my love for you is still brighter.

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. diegonilo
    Apr 15, 2022 @ 03:01:45

    Reblogged this on Diego.


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