ALIVE

Yes it’s true, it seems to never end. It seems that humanity is condemned to an eternal struggle just to buy bread. It seems. Lately I often reply with a phrase that I said to myself when I was working, giving exams and in the meantime I had my father in hospital for cancer. Be grateful that you can fight, because you mean you are Alive. No matter how long the fight seems, it is the purpose and the mood with which you face it that make it appear to be war or peace. Choose your way and you will no longer have any doubts that that bread tastes sublime.
Reality is the testimony of what the average man has been over the centuries. There are minorities who have lived through this rottenness for years. They had to remain silent by agreeing to live on the fringes FOR YEARS. Aware of every possible and impossible injustice, of the evil inherent in many earthlings, and sure of the fact that sooner or later everything would explode. Many, however, only today realize the disgust and are desperate like snakes in a trap. I am sure that someone has thought or told them: “welcome to my world”. Now is the time for those who have always known it. And there are no laws that hold. This reality has always been there but you were sleeping. Yet someone had told you to keep watch with the lanterns always on.
Every time I dream I return there, in that devastated country of which only white rubble and souls without a body remain. I walk without memory through its streets, I rarely meet you. Then when I find you, you tell me how much you would like to rebuild everything, start over. Then you frown, hold back your tears out of pride, but I know you’re crying. Suddenly you pull me away, I follow you, but you push me away. Why can’t I stay? You scold me like a mother, telling me that remembering will kill me. How I would like to kiss you when you do this. I am desperate for your fragments in the soul of others, but I never find you. What looked like a shard of diamond turns out to be another shard of sharp glass that hurts me with disappointment. It destroys me not to remember your name. I would like to sleep forever, stuck in a dimension where your death doesn’t exist, but I can’t. Please come and see me again tonight.

HEART IN DARKNESS

Conrad. The good heart of Tenebra. How I loved Lord Jim !!! It was a happy time in my life. The only one. So, I can tell you that many words are beautiful but then it’s not that easy to find happiness. Especially if at 4 you found yourself a man who pushed one knee to your chest to rape you. Continued abuse for years has devastating consequences for a child. I have not eaten since 4 years. I ended up with injections and infusions. I no longer opened my mouth. Nobody understood what had happened to me. Then I unlocked thanks to my paternal grandmother and a hen, who became fond of me and made me understand that not all beings on this earth do harm. So as you can see I’m still alive and I owe this to the art that saved me by allowing me to express the immense anger and pain I had inside of me. I survived but at what price? I would have preferred that he had killed me because carrying death within him is even worse, you know. You often feel desperate. You fall into bad hands again. You get up and fall back and suffer. Until one day your father dies and you look in the mirror and suddenly you see your evil twin living violently. And so you become the executioner. But that doesn’t make you feel good either. Neither love nor pain can defeat the death that man made you suck. And what do you do? Therapy is done. You try everything but nothing is needed. There’s always that monster growling inside me. And I scream but nobody hears me. Nobody saved me that day.

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