WHEM I WAS A LITTHE GIRL

When I was a little girl I thought that one of the fortunes that I would have liked to have happened to me would have been that of being ataraxic. I was 17, suffering from my eternal teenage crush and it seemed to me that not feeling anything was the solution to all my problems. Growing up obviously I realized how stupid what I thought was. Not feeling anything is a little excessive if the only thing you want is to avoid the pain of unrequited love. However, marked by the thing, like every other human being on this planet or maybe even a little more, I fell back into the same mistake, falling in love, suffering and repeating the same scene with flashes of happiness in the middle.

Always as a young man, but with a few more years, I had only one thing clear: to the question what you wanted from life, I replied that I just wanted to be happy, thinking that it was also a fairly simplistic answer. Everyone was looking for a future of professional satisfaction and the like, while I didn't care how, but it was enough that I was happy. Yes, it was simplistic, but for different reasons. Being happy is perhaps the hardest thing that can be achieved, precisely because it is not achieved. There is no formula to be happy, there are no steps to achieve, it is just a matter of accepting and accepting what the present where we live is every day, facing the negative moments and thanking for the positive ones. Yes, I know, it's a bit of a religious pamphlet style, but I really think it is.

This is where the problem lies though. I'm far from accepting whatever is happening to me in life. I do not accept anything, professionally, sentimentally and not even about myself. I reject everything about myself with an almost ancestral detachment. I can't get rid of this heaviness, this sense of uselessness for everything that happens in the world and to myself. If everything is useless, it is also useless to try, to commit, to get angry.

Only the emotions remain. The regret, the bile in the stomach, the sadness. I feel squeezed between the sense of helplessness and the anger of not even having tried, hanging from a thread woven by myself and holding the scissors, with the temptation to cut and fall, but without ever doing it, perhaps out of cowardice, perhaps because despite all the waste in the world I still have some hope, looking at the photos of the past and not cutting them.
I'm patient on the verge of stubbornness and maybe that's what I care about. I am too patient, I am here and I wait, I can not do anything else, I wait for the bright Leviathan.

SWEET EMOTIONS

Having reached this moment in my life, after several disappointments on the part of everyone and after long periods of reflection, I realized that now I need to be treated with unprecedented kindness. No more anxieties, doubts and insecurities. I just want genuine, kind and tender feelings. I am not willing to compromise on what I want and what I deserve. Committing to capturing at least a fragment of innocence in people and feeling tenderness for it is the only way to avoid retiring to private life as fast as a cockroach when you turn on the light.
There are moments in which I would like to go back to when I was little, moments that I miss and that unfortunately will never come back. I miss that innocence and that light-heartedness that I had, I looked at the world with different eyes, a beautiful world. I imagined already after the age of 20 with a job, a guy who cared about me and that only I existed as a woman for him. I imagined many beautiful things, but everything remains the fruit of my imagination alone. I miss it when I played dolls, when I watched cartoons on TV, the beautiful ones that passed Italy one. I miss living in my beautiful imaginary world.
We played hide and seek within the city walls. I was hiding, you were looking for me. I laughed, you laughed. We spent the whole afternoon even just playing one game, because I was hiding really well, and you didn’t even know where to start looking. In the end, you always managed to find me, somehow, and all you could say, finding my umpteenth hiding place, was: “Oh!” I laughed, you laughed. We spent the afternoons like this, together, without ever getting tired, meeting every afternoon at the same point, without even having agreed. We loved each other like that. We were really too young to know what love was, to be able to say we knew it, yet there was something between us: a thread, a red thread that united our hearts, a little girl’s apron ribbon, long, perhaps infinite, he would have been able to keep us tied even if we had been at the two opposite poles of the world. Subsequently, however, all that I managed to glimpse in our afternoons of play was your miserable shadow, nothing to do with you. And finally, what I thought to be your shadow also vanished, but perhaps it was just a figure of my invention, created not to admit that you had abandoned me. I was left alone. Without you, without your shadow. Yet, I continued to spend the afternoons playing, giving the landscape that surrounded me tiny and timid smiles, waiting for your return. Every now and then I stopped, playing, and looked towards the path that led to your house, waiting to see you arrive hopping, with the hat in your hands and the sly and proud look that had always distinguished you. But you never came back. And I, I continued to wait for you: I could not accept the idea that our red thread had somehow been severed.

DEEP SOCIAL

It is terribly difficult to grow up in the age of the internet. Adolescence is a phase of continuous struggle between the id – our most child part, linked to pleasure – and the superego – our most mature part, linked to the rules. Internet, social media, video games are intentionally developed with the aim of satisfying, feeding our most childlike part, as with a colored candy that acts as a bait when our Superego tells us to study, to work, to put in order the room. The easy pleasure, the one promised by our mobile phones: a pleasure made up of shorter and shorter waits, almost nil, before reaching what we feel to be a goal; goals that are easier and therefore more attractive than those of the real world, which require commitment and perseverance – these are attributes that we do not want to invest. If growing up means becoming capable of commitment, constancy – in our sentimental, social and working life – then how can we grow if we are accustomed to fast and free pleasures?
Why is love so hard? Why if two people love each other aren’t they together? Why do we say big words and then prove nothing? We are all so afraid, afraid of the consequences, of what will happen next, when we should just think less, say all that goes through our heads. If it was your last five minutes now, what would you do? Where would you go? And above all, who would you go to? Simple…. You would go to the person you love, to his house to tell him everything you feel for him, to confess all your secrets, all the unspoken things, but these things we should always do, even if it is difficult. Love consumes you, wears you out inside, destroys you but at the same time makes you alive, gives you strength and all the most beautiful emotions in the world. We should simply once and for all strip ourselves of fear and open our hearts to the person we love. Let’s do it once and for all.
One day, a person I cared about froze me with three words: “you are too busy for me”. As a good empath I put myself in her shoes, wondering what was wrong with me. I asked myself a thousand other questions. And then I came to the answer. Everything that is important and profound is challenging, and most people now prefer the surface, the one that does not require effort. We are in the era of “I love you” said every month to a different person, of lightning relationships, of superficial dialogues. Yet one day I realized that there is nothing wrong with wanting and being everything. And I want someone who is everything. Because I don’t mind what is called “challenging”: I can swim in the depths, it is on the surface that I drown. “

HALO

I mean I’m not one who gives up… I mean, I’ve never done that. But as I was walking the other day, I thought back to my past. 2 years ago to be precise .. I was thinking of the person who introduced me to true love, the same person who then broke my heart in such a way that nothing would be the same as before. I thought and thought and all our promises, to the fact that I said to myself “at the cost of dying, I will not lose it” I thought of all the sacrifices I have made for her and how long I have waited for her. As I was walking, something stopped a whole stream of thoughts running through my head, and suddenly everything became clearer. It was time to close with the past … not because I had given up, but because the person I was was no longer there. And in my total awareness of an inner loss, I was tremendously happy. That boy was gone as he wished. With her by his side or with death. Luck wasn’t on his side… he fell, but he kept his promise. And I am happy, happy for this glorious loss. I was able to close a part of my life, my past. and now..what will the future bring me?
I grew up on it. The problem actually… is the technology. Facebook..the movies on TV..etc..see all the people who go out, turn the corner and find friends..this weighs on me every now and then. I can clearly feel the lack of this emotional trait. But on the other hand, I wouldn’t be able to be in big company. My normality is now part of me as much as I am part of her, what you call loneliness is just habit for me. I like to wake up in the morning, open the balcony to the sun. In fact, I learned that there is a lot of life and happiness here too. Once the balcony is open, the birds chirping, the wind in the trees and the smell of dew. God, I could never do without this. Everything is so alive in this desolate place.
It’s relative … now loneliness is part of me. I mean, I don’t call it loneliness anymore. it’s normal for me. When my friends came every now and then, they were bored to death, they did not listen to the birds, they did not smell the scent of trees and flowers, and they did not see the peace and harmony that surrounded them. rather! What I call peace for them is boredom and waste of time… so… it’s all relat
lately I feel that I belong nowhere and that I am not fully connected with any person. it seems to me that all of a sudden the people around me are strangers, people with whom I have nothing in common, with whom I have nothing to say and with whom I never feel 100 percent at ease. this makes me sad and I feel the need to find new people, people equal to me, who really understand me, with whom I can always be myself, however, it is so difficult, I am not good at relating, I am not good at making new friends and i am not able to take matters into my own hands because i always try to repress everything and not even try is what is best for me, i’m a bit of a coward and i know i will curse myself in the future but i just can’t do I change
Soon I will be back, perhaps stronger, perhaps weaker, and I will try to explain calmly and calmly what I have done and how I feel; now I just need not to think, because my thoughts scare me. I’d like to get distracted, find something to talk about that doesn’t make me uncomfortable, rediscover that strength to live that now unfortunately I lack. Thanks for the support you are giving me, thanks for the words, the phrases, thanks for everything. You are the only friends I have, and I truly thank you with my heart for staying close to me, for listening to me even when I don’t feel like talking, and for staying silent with me if I need to. I love you, really.

FRAGILE

An eyelash is so fragile. I often think about it and realize that I am only a tiny eyelash in this world. You know the exact moment when you blow an eyelash and make it fly not knowing where it is anymore? Well, that’s exactly how I feel, just a little gust of wind and they vanish into nothingness, into my nothingness. I get lost and destroyed easily, but I never completely die.

Being the “weak” in a pack of wolves will tear me to shreds: they will nourirannno of my flesh to survive; If not, my vital organs will be stronger. That same concept has been carried over to human beings, I see that wolves and men overlap perfectly, but there will always be one difference: humans are much worse than wolves; humans destroy wide inside!
It suffers. It’s everyone’s turn. You suffer physically, psychologically and emotionally, but you are used to it. We are used to believing that it is normal to suffer, but it probably isn’t, we lock ourselves in a cage believing that feeling pain is somehow right or at least justifiable, but it is not. Suffering is a cage that we create for ourselves out of fear of actually suffering, because we believe that being aware of the pain protects us in some absurd and sick way. We believe that knowing that we are in pain makes us feel less pain when something more painful happens, but it is absolutely absurd! We are so afraid that we ourselves are the cause of our suffering.
One beautiful day everything changes, beautiful so to speak. We grow up. We grow up and dreams vanish, stop, there is an emotional collapse, there is an interior emptying, a decrease in expectations; negative growth. We grow up and expect many beautiful things, but they don’t happen. It would be better to remain children, remain dreamy and happy, remain fascinated by the little one and hungry for curiosity. What then grows and hunger passes, everything seems so banal and obvious, the wonder becomes disgust and disgust turns into hate. One becomes passive to the world. You become something, but something empty. We grow up and reach the peak of failure, we expect to start living well, instead we realize that we lived better before, with nothing, but in reality with everything: emotions and happiness.
“Love does not exist is a jam of the mind of misplaced questions and unconvinced answers. Do you want to take this free creature as a husband until God has decided or only while it lasts? “One of my favorite songs and, above all, my favorite piece of this song (who cares about the title is love doesn’t exist fabi gazze e silvestri) It is one of my favorite phrases because it fully describes what I think about love (if we want to call it that), to love there is no need to marry, to unite religiously or juridically, if you love someone stay there for as long as possible because you want, because this happens, because this is how things turn out: by doing them by not promising them! Love goes beyond being close, it goes beyond sharing pieces of life, it goes beyond marriage. love is a union of souls, in fact in the song the singers say “Love does not exist, but you and I exist”, because there are souls, there are bodies, there are moments, there is something that goes beyond everything, it exists a feeling that cannot be described ba nally from a word, because a word cannot contain a thousand facets, but “you and me” yes, it can contain anything that belongs to two people. You and I are, you and I exist, not love, you and I are something else: you and I are alive!

WHAT YOU DO RETURNS TO YOU

There are people who hurt and do not realize they are hurting. People who do not have the perception of the emotional state of the other. These people have a very developed ego and do not know how to redefine it by reducing their destructive selfishness towards themselves and towards others. The first way to understand that you are dealing with an immense ego is to ask yourself: “How many things do I know about the other? Do I really know him? Do I always listen to it or am I always focused on my thoughts and desires? We live in a world full of selfishness and this is because most people only think about their own desires. When one looks at oriental disciplines one wonders why there are so many humiliating rituals such as serving food to others, staying on the sidelines and in silence for many hours, forgetting one’s private life to focus on mantras etc … But who has experienced these disciplines know well that all this is aimed at shrinking the ego and making people take care of others. We live in a society where people go to great lengths to scam and use others. In Western culture, a way of living behind others is being consolidated that is truly unworthy of human beings who consider themselves evolved. The law of the strongest? No, the law of the most idiot. Because at this rate society is destined for total destruction and not for a positive evolution. But many people are unaware of this. Just as they are not aware of the fact that if they do something bad to others, sooner or later something bad will happen to them too. Many people believe they are untouchable, infallible and very, very intelligent. They have not dealt with the energies that follow a different law and different rules. The Orientals know this well and for this reason they try to serve others and not to do good deeds. It is not a question of karma. It is not a question of magic. It is a question of survival. Always remember that whoever you hit one day could be your only salvation. So behave fairly with everyone. Do not do it for an ethical or religious question, but for a human and cunning reason too. If you are smart you will know that one day you may be in a not-so-good position and you never know who you might be in front of. Meditate. Meditate.
Have you ever had the feeling that life has paid you back with the same coin that, one day, was in your hands? As if in the past it was you who threw it in the air, looking for the side that suited you most and fleeing, in a selfish way, from the consequences of that fate. A similar thing happens with karma: it always comes back. Sometimes it seems that only negative actions that have hurt someone come back and that, instead, when we do something good, all that comes back is emptiness. What actually happens is that negative events affect us more and that is why we remember them all our lives, whether we like it or not: whether you were the blade or whether you suffered the injury. It is precisely for this reason that, when we harm someone, we are not aware of the power of that pain until we find ourselves in the same situation as it: we think we can do and undo, but without fully understanding that the way in which we live the actions of the others varies from person to person. We often say: this is karma. He gave me back what I did and he does it with interest. It is not about “interests”, it is just that now we are aware of what we have done and we will remember the lessons learned forever.
The concept of karma helps us build our tomorrow and build within it, because, as we have already explained, todays can be part of the circumstances we face in the future. This means that, most of the time, we reap what we sow, more or less right. For this reason, we give a specific meaning to what happens to us and connect the facts with each other, because everything seems to be united by threads that manifest themselves in the form of emotions. Positive energies bring with them other good energies and vice versa: a destiny that is not always fulfilled, but which always remains there to remind us that in our emotions there are also those of the people who love us.

THE WHITE FLOWER IN THE MUD

You see a mile away that you are special, everyone points it out to you but you don’t want to see it. You color the lives of those around you but you can’t find anyone who colors yours, and I see you looking around for a pair of eyes in which to reflect yourself. But you can’t find them, because you are pure and the only time I saw you mirrored in someone was when that child was in your arms, the one you said had the same eyes as me, but strangely I saw yours again. . You tell me that I have an innate purity, and I tell you, and so we spend our days wondering who among us is right, never finding an answer, even if I know it. Sometimes we see the world in black and white, and while I drown in the darkness of darkness you point out the purity of white, and slowly together we emerge from the abyss. We often have a tantrum, because we are never too old to cry in exchange for a candy, or a caress. Sometimes I would like to give you my eyes, and ask for yours in return, to change perspective and see if our points of view are damn the same or so damn different that they collide all the time. And sometimes I want to make you feel special, just as much as you make me feel.
I grew up with her. “The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all” has become the phrase I repeat most often. They always wanted me to be different: thinner, more affectionate, less cold, less sarcastic, less reserved, more feminine … But I can’t. I don’t know how to hug, sarcasm spontaneously comes out of my mouth, I’ll always have a tomboy part, despite my make-up and hair in order. I have always fought, I have always managed by myself. Some time ago, I wanted to get a lotus flower tattoo. It is a particular flower: it comes from the slime, from the mud but finds the strength to blossom and emerge from this dirt. When it blooms it’s wonderful. I felt and I feel this way. I just can’t fully blossom, I always find myself trapped in the mud, few parts have blossomed, the rest is still hindered. I gave up the tattoo partly out of fear, as I am too delicate, partly because it is now turning into a too trivial tattoo. So maybe I’ll mix a Celtic four-leaf clover with their flower. But I still haven’t had time to try to draw it.
When one is dedicated, one is totally dedicated. We all share the pain, something deep that breaks our hearts in half, that makes us gasp, oppresses us and makes us scream inside with evil until we are completely exhausted. But love wins everything. Love overcomes time, overcomes pride, overcomes anger, overcomes difficulties. Here, above all, Love overcomes difficulties. Because Love is dedicated to heal, to heal, to remind us that life goes on and we can open ourselves to something great, beautiful, new. Love holds hands and hugs tightly, because Together is Better. Together we are never alone. Two Heads reason, discuss, comfort each other, understand each other, advise each other. They help each other. They love each other. Because love wins everything and knowing that you can share your problems on the strong shoulders of those who love us is already a great sigh of relief. Love Wins everything. Because Love knows. Love knows. He knows suffering, he knows tears … but he also knows the joy of falling in love, of being together. To make it: in spite of everything. “When Love arrives, treat it well”. If Love is faced with the Common Thought of being Two Souls who give themselves to each other, then Love is realized. And it completes. In the Today and Forever.
Give me time to change. I don’t like habits. They are an unconventional of habits. Yet, in the end, I get used to it. Like all. I have always welcomed changes with sudden ease. Growing up, who knows why who knows how, I neglected to cultivate this ability. For years I have pursued habits that have become stronger and more alive. Some of these saved me, some broke me. None, however, is indispensable if I don’t have the ability to let them go. Just give me time to change. This morning, I met a dear Buddhist friend of mine who was six months pregnant. She is a special, sweet and courageous woman. We talked about children, parents, education and Love. When I left her, I told myself that it is worth changing, choosing to be a better person if only to leave something Good, Bright, Strong in the world. And, in the presence of the children, to be able to set a good example. Because it is never the adults who educate the children, but the opposite. Adults mislead children, force them, clip them, adhere them to their reality, forgetting that the vision of children is much more complete than theirs. It is worth changing to remember how to play, how to taste the snow, how to touch the ground. Finding the time. That as adults we lose, we fight, we take the rest of our life. Give me time to change. The time to abandon my mental schemes, pre-built in years of purism, which have become aseptic. A purism that smells of emptiness and in which I no longer came to meet myself. Myself. Find myself. Love me. Live me. In order not to have fears. To forget that I was looking for myself and just remember to be happy. I’ve spent far too long telling myself no. Please forgive me, thank you, I love you. Give me time to change and I will rely on myself, without trying to be helpful at all costs. The Posts. I am there. But first of all I have to Be There for Me. To love, to love me, not to disappoint me. The courage to remember that goodness is not something that can be given as a gift, only to find oneself empty-handed. “If you keep filling other people’s glasses, when do you drink from the well?” Alive. Here, “Live” also means this. I’m finishing “getting ready”. Then the change will come, light and sincere. Habits will fall like houses of cards, faded by the wind. It is the world that acts as a mirror for me, it will change in my embrace.

MADE BY STARS AND DREAMS

It is literally bad to feel strong and weak to be happy and sad after a few seconds. Dreaming of things that you know that cannot be there and realizing that sooner or later there is an end for everyone, and you can not do anything but accept it. I would like to have no thoughts, have no emotions, be a stone, which with the arrival of the rain everything slips away. But how do you, how can you not think of something bigger than you, you can hide it from your eyes, but after a while it comes back, always there. If the sun hides the wounds, the night brings them back to the surface, and you can do nothing but let yourself be carried away. But what is the meaning of writing, what is the meaning of life, if in the end we are only memories You wonder if it makes sense to spread your own being, or to stay in your own small way, but what life is it if you don’t bring a little of yourself into the world? There is no need to escape, but if everything is rowing against you, where do you find the strength to fight? Let yourself be carried away by life, or take it in hand? It is as if I have understood all the mechanisms, all that remains of life, but then why am I here? Open the windows, let the sun in, listen to the bells ring, listen to the noises, take a breath, don’t think and live in the present
This is what people do not understand about me, I am not satisfied, I dream. Because despite having met false, slimy people, real snakes, I still believe in friendship, the real one, the one that saves you. Because despite having lived through toxic relationships, or not very serene and sometimes almost one-sided, I still believe in love, the one that shakes your heart, that reactivates you, that makes you be born a second time, in that complicit and crazy love. Because despite the falls I still believe in the strength to get up, alone, or holding someone’s hand. Because although the world sucks I still believe in the beauty that is in it, just sit and watch a sunset to find the energy of life. Because although life is hard, I still believe that it is worth living it. And maybe yes, I really dream, but I’m not satisfied either
It hurts me to think that there will be someone else who will wait with the same anxiety with which he was waiting for me. It hurts me to think that his happiness will depend on someone other than me. It hurts to think that that “exaggeration” we always talked about has gradually vanished. To think that there will be another person in your place, to think that he will be able to give her everything you gave her and maybe much more, what she is looking for, what she had always sought in the end, to think that someone will give her that dress that so much she liked it, who knows if she will know the same things she was telling me, maybe she’ll like another dress rather than the white one she fell in love with, and she’ll forget a little bit how that dress, which will come back to her only if she finds the photo she had taken of him scrolling back through the gallery. Yet I know that he will not delete that photo, he will keep it, maybe he will smile when he sees it again and maybe he will keep it a little longer than the other old photos on the screen, after all he wanted it, after all he had dreamed of it in the past. It will hurt when mine is no longer the arm she liked to lean on when she was lying on the bed, it will no longer hurt me the little voice of a child that made her seem smaller and made her so beautiful every time. And it still makes it that way, it’s beautiful yes. There will no longer be a messy bed in my house after coming to see me, there will be no smile that looked at me as if I were her only salvation, and someone else will take my place, take my chair at her kitchen table , she will leave someone else the blue chair in her office where she let no one sit, no one but me, and made me feel important, now she will make someone else feel important. All good things come to an end. But she will be happy, and this is the important thing. And this.
The dream is a defense against the regularity and monotony of life, a recreation of bound fantasy, where it throws all the images of life into the air and interrupts man’s perennial seriousness with a cheerful childish game; without the dream we will age prematurely, and therefore we can consider the dream, if not sent from above, still a pleasant task, a friendly companion on the pilgrimage to the tomb.
Dear ice eyes girl that have nothing celestial,
but however frozen they surpass the ice and they are cold albeit chocolate colored.
Dear sad eyes girl, I wanted to tell you to shine again not to lose yourself in thinking of those who do not think of you not to get lost in order to wait for those who wanted to lose you.
Dear dark eyes girl you will learn to grow to live with fear and make it your strength and your care as well.
You will learn that grownups never cry, but that tears are used to let off steam to regain strength to start over to get up stronger albeit a little stunned.
You will learn to go to fly to fall, and then get up again to turn off only to then return to shine stronger.
Dear hurricane girl that you never stop dreaming that alone you can always do it but you want someone by your side
because together we dance better and together it is better you read a lot and travel too much that music is your world
and books are your place that a beautiful sentence underline it in red with pencil a straight line unlike your life
which is always an infinite curve and also uphill that you change your mood easily according to the steps of your Love based on a smile of hers and his smile that puts a smile on your face.
that you have big eyes and the gorgeous smile that you want to hear your heart beating fast because you want to live strong because you want to live for real.
Dear girl woman, I wanted to tell you to start shining again, because you are not the disappointment of this world but the disappointment is this world which has lost its values which is a meaningless world where now only what is not needed counts – superficiality, of course.
I wanted to tell you to shine again like a shining star to shine alone without needing someone to turn you on, because the real music of this world it’s you, just you and that’s it.
Don’t be discouraged, do not stop do not change do not stop dreaming: go, run, shine take everything you deserve and shine, you always shine,
because they will teach you not to shine they will discourage you because they are envious they will extinguish you
because they are jealous of your light, but you don’t listen to them.
You shine.

FRAGILE SOULS

Sometimes I stop to think … I find myself lying on the mattress staring at the ceiling and reflect. I think a lot, maybe too much, and we know that too much is good, unfortunately it’s part of me and I just can’t avoid it, it’s as if it were an unconditional reflection. I think back to everything, everyone, I think back to everything that made me feel good but also to everything that made me suffer. Today I went to bed with tears in my eyes and a weight on my chest and I think it’s one of the most unpleasant sensations in the world, you know? When you just want to sleep and switch off your brain, but you get so sick that you just mull over what doesn’t work. I interpret it as psychological torture: to suffer for something, and to feel even more hurt after thinking about it intensely for hours. What an unpleasant feeling of oppression. Oppressed by their own feelings, rather than by people. It is strange to think how something apparently abstract, such as emotions, can alienate you from the totality of the world for an indefinite period of time. It’s almost scary to think we’re so vulnerable, but it’s part of life after all … If it were too simple, it probably wouldn’t be worth it.

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