I left my city because the limits of the world are sometimes tight for me, and I tend to idealize it and dream about it to paint it more saturated than it is, and maybe I'm wrong but it makes me feel good because I know that reality is what it is based on our perspective, based on our way of seeing things, the world, life itself. I like to think about the world with its flaws and its strengths, and follow my dreams.
Sometimes they scare me, it scares me to go away and chase them, but then I promptly return with a wealth of happiness and magical experiences. It's never enough for me. But I always miss my home, it's not a perfect place but I always miss it. I wouldn't be able to live there only for its limits imposed by the world, how would I do? It's not my choice. But it's my choice to go back when I can, to hug and talk to those I love for that time I stay there.
I don't want to escape, I want to leave to smell my perfume, my air.
What's your favorite perfume? Surely that of my city, the sea in autumn and the food prepared by my father.
They are perfumes that fill your heart, and there are infinitely many good perfumes in the world, but if the one from my country can be your favorite, it is right not to waste its essence, however eternal it may be. But each of us has our own perfume, somewhere in the world.
My perfume is jasmine because it reminds me of summer evenings when I was a little girl and I had so many plans for my future.
In short, rich or poor, sooner or later you will be plagued by this uselessness of time. You will be bored by your work, by friends, by husbands, wives, or lovers, by the view from the window of your home, from the furniture or upholstery of your room, from your thoughts, from yourself. Consequently, you will be looking for escape routes. Aside from the tools of self-gratification mentioned above, perhaps you will begin to change jobs, residences, friendships, country, climate; perhaps you will indulge in sexual promiscuity, alcohol, travel, cooking lessons, drugs, psychoanalysis. In fact, you could put all these things together; and for a while the combination could work. Until, of course, you wake up in your room with a new family and a different wallpaper, in another state, in another climate, with a lot of bills to pay to your travel agent or psychoanalyst, yet with the same prohibits the sensation of the daylight that spreads to the window. And you will put on your slippers only to find that those are not the most suitable footwear to escape from what you recognize as familiar. And depending on your temperament or age, you will panic or resign yourself to familiarity with that feeling, or, once more, you will go through the process of change.
I always keep myself so consistent with my words, too! As if my words were my thoughts, unique and immobile. It’s like saying things out loud, or writing them (to anyone), locks me in a cage. From that moment on, I can’t get rid of the terrible thought that by doing something that (even if only apparently) contradicts what I said, it makes me attackable, because I hate it, I mean being attacked, even if I knew how to defend myself, I avoid doing it, I don’t have I never stimulate him to do so, and so I let things slip away, I laugh, I always laugh. I’m starting to wonder if I’ve ever had a real laugh, but real seriously I mean! Laughing has become the alternative to everything: getting angry, screaming, talking, crying, and who knows how much else … The cage that I have now doesn’t let you see much light, it’s so thick and dark, ah, if at least it were colored! Instead it is black, very black. I am imprisoned with my words, which I have reserved for a few, but even those few should not have made me speak, because words do not bounce off certain people, but are absorbed by them, I cannot get this idea out of my head and tortures me. I don’t want to talk to anyone anymore, I don’t want to feel the need anymore, which is already a very small need, but I still often give in! If I really want freedom, I have to be alone with myself, I have to escape from anyone and anything, to find an isolated but beautiful place, all mine but nobody’s. And instead this miserable existence of mine will continue in the worst of the chessboards, and I will always be on the corner, ignored, but I will always feel in the center, derided and observed, unable to move, motionless and sad.
I want to travel. And do you know why? Because life is so much more beautiful when you see every nation in the world. Life is definitely more beautiful when you meet people other than you. And by different I mean another mentality, other cultures, other colors. Life changes you and becomes more beautiful when you book your plane ticket, when you get on the plane and leave, when you arrive in that city, when you arrive at the hotel, when you start to see something new. And nothing, life is even more beautiful if you travel.It’s a time when I let go of a lot of things: people, situations, feelings … I learned to let go of what didn’t do for me, everything that hurt me. Sometimes you have to leave out certain situations because they are no longer part of us, you feel them extraneous, which are no longer yours. It is precisely at that moment that you choose to think about yourself and your happiness. last night I dreamed of a beautiful tree, with dark leaves at the top that faded downwards, they were shiny and moved in the wind, then in that wind I hear a voice hissing “look in the trees, this is the key”. the meaning is broad and intense but already very understandable. When someone lives by restraining himself, at a certain point something is triggered in him: An escape. A positive escape, because he finally escapes from too many requests and learns to say “no”. Run away from too many duties and start doing what he likes. Escape from too much perfectionism and learn to love yourself. Escape from the fear of never being up to it, of never being able to really live. Run away and look for himself, sometimes ending up finding himself.If my energy doesn’t wake you I’m not for you, if my spirit doesn’t inspire you don’t force the connection, if my mind doesn’t make you think deeper, it makes no sense that you have me in your thoughts If my passion doesn’t move you then it will be better to change direction, if my presence does not help you to evolve my absence surely will, If my love doesn’t open your heart surely another love will, go and find what makes your being vibrate, don’t even stop to look back. One of the greatest acts of love is letting go, the vibration doesn’t lie. Trust your process.You have only one chance, accept what you have lived and what you are experiencing, they will serve for everything you will live and in the end, you understand that the future is the best part. The present does not exist because, just by saying “now”, it has already passed and then you live the uncertainty that must make you smile, because it is a surprise and you have to go to meet it, like when as a child, you jumped out of bed and ran to go to unwrap christmas gifts. It takes an hour, a day or a night to find the sun, to find yourself and to understand that everything passes and that after a slap, life offers you a caress.Move away from where the time is up Or stay, accompanied if you think you can’t get away but keep dreaming beyond that closed window Go through everything while you color the world with each step Stop interpreting, let yourself flow Avoid looking for the signifier, immerse yourself in the unknown Connect to fullness, it will replace any deficiency Love independently, intensely, hopelessly and then let it all slip through your fingers Don’t hold back, blow every whys away Don’t pretend, get confused Don’t lead, let yourself be carried away by the wind Don’t build houses, hologram bridges Don’t be satisfied with those who caress your heart Know what you deserve and not because it will be difficult to find but because it will allow itself to be reached. And allow yourself to fall in love with the possible, while the impossible will show you the way.
The sky written inside the chest, where a snake bites my heart. Outside breathes the gold but inside the blood languishes. I was like her treasure, I shone with crystal clear breath. Past. Turned. The soul counts the steps behind the anguish. He chases people and the sea of nothing. Spasms of the rain. The grass blades bend but tomorrow they will be straight again and the same as before. I turn my face, the body sends messages, the code is always the same. A part. One condition. Meditated with a strange thought. Like a karma video. It is important to look at it and understand what could have happened.It’s strange what I feel inside of me, I have this strange feeling that he doesn’t want to leave me. I don’t sleep, I don’t eat, I can’t understand what I’m getting. Anxiety? Could be. Nervousness? Mashed potato. Stress? I do not know. The fact is that I can not understand, I can not think and above all I can not speak. I don’t want to overwhelm people with my problems.Sometimes I think of those moments when I felt emotions such as sadness, melancholy, pain … Many of us push away these moods because they are negative, yet a smile is more sincere after a cry … Maybe it is it is the sincerity that is frowned upon, in moments of weakness we really show what we are and it is scary for many to show their face without being able to hide … This is why no one shows his mood anymore, we all now want to hold back the suffering within us, while this corrodes and poisons us.
The thing I hate most is crying, which attacks you when you least expect it. You’re there doing something and suddenly your eyes are shiny again, what the hell, and you don’t understand how it happened. And the last thing you want is for someone to notice, because a second later they come to cuddle and chirp, and they want me to talk, and I’m really not into it. I close in on myself. I often get nervous and I take it out on myself a lot, because if my heart is shattered in one way or another it is also my fault. Thoughts crowd into your head, questions pile up, how do you try to answer one, no ten more pop up, it’s terribly hot, you can’t sleep, you are hoping for something unexpected but that won’t happen, as he opened his mouth to say one something, maybe even joking, all ready to judge and reproach you as soon as they have the opportunity, is a chain that will never end and that no one is able to break it. they are said and and tries to get by with the judgment of others. There would be so many more things to say but it would hurt both me and you too much.I thought about leaving. Not to say anything to anyone, go to the station and take the first train. Escape without a trace, abandon everything and everyone. I wasn’t going to tell anyone where I was going, not even my mother. They would never find me again. I had a best friend of those who from one moment to the next they find themselves sharing everything, of those who then, growing up, at any moment disappear and you ask yourself: “Why?”. And she told me to stay good, she told me that there were no more people like me. But he was corrupt and felt dirty. Then I had little kittens as friends, and there were four of them like the Musketeers but I didn’t call them after them. Then one of them died, Trinity, strangled by a rope taken by the dog to play. The great walnut welcomed his sweet little soul. I will not forget msi her little mouse face. She was too young to die. I too was too young to die but he killed me anyway.– Mom, I’m going out. -At this time? It’s three o’clock, where you think you’re going. – Don’t worry, I’m going to a friend’s house. Put something on, take your headphones and close the door. And where are you going now? You don’t know it, yet you walk aimlessly. Play the first song, bright eyes. Put the second, a tear. The third, you need to sit down, because standing up you can’t stand. And it hurts so bad, it destroys. Yet no one sees it, no one hears it, only you. Such a devastating thing for you, but indifferent to others. You get up, walk a bit. The tears are gone now, or so you think. A thousand thoughts go through your head. You look at the phone, no text, no call. Nobody cares about you, where you are from, if you are okay, despite everything. Nothing. You’re looking for a place to go, but you really just want a couple of arms to stay between. But you are alone, alone and devastated.
Stay inside the stone circle and keep it away. This I have been trying to do all this time. You can’t imagine what force it took to keep him at bay! Only the strongest souls receive his terrible attack to prove that the light has victory over him every time. The first time he came I was so weak and didn’t know anything about myself but I managed to avoid his overwhelming me. It was painful but I stood up to him because I had immense strength inside me. Over time I have always learned to recognize him, but each time I don’t know if I will get the better of him. The closer I get to the goal, the more he puts his wonderful obstacles in front of me. Each time he changes his face and his entire semblance but I recognize his way of doing. From the beginning I knew what it was aimed at and I tried to keep it well hidden in me. I told him: “Not me! Not me, you were wrong! I am cursed. I come from your own kingdom! ” But he’s too smart and he never believed me. It’s true, for a while he left me alone, I managed to divert him from me, I disguised myself as a damned soul and for a while he really drank it. I covered myself with ashes, with pain, with black suffering to convince him that it wasn’t me, I wasn’t the one he needed. But now he is furious, he has discovered the deception and his anger is terrible. He feels he has been made fun of by me, a cunning little girl. How she managed to get rid of him like this I don’t really know. Perhaps only a woman can succeed in deluding even the devil. But now he doesn’t want to let go because he knows what he would give up. And his war on me is merciless. He devises a thousand ways to make me fall and has become good at showing himself under his best clothes to capture my soul. He scratches me, he calls me to him, he leaves marks on my body, he wants to reach me to chain me to him. Sometimes I feel so weak, so tired, it would make me forget everything and disappear and never be found again. But I’m not a coward and I can’t stand him laughing at my vile escape. And so now he has sent his best soldiers to destroy my flesh, my mind and my heart. each of them knows a thousand techniques to bend my will and the torture is worthy of the martyrs of the past. You do not know what war is being fought inside my life, in this life that you believe to be full only of human passion. It is not the love against which I fight, it is not a man that I escape but it is the first Enemy of all mankind. This little girl has no shield, I have no armor, this girl that I am has only a stupid hope of being able to save someone else by paying with her own sacrifice. And if letting his soldiers cut me apart will help your ascension, I will let myself be wiped off the face of the earth. Behold, the ferocious lions are ready to receive my blood, delicious morsel, to save your path. This was my secret, this was what I wanted to tell you. I will not hesitate to be devastated to save your soul. I will not hesitate to be eliminated for your sake and for your love. When I was told that I should have done this to give my light, I did not reply. That Enemy I didn’t know really existed. Now I can tell you that he is here, waiting for my yes. When I told you to link together it was to avoid drinking my cup. But now I’ve brought it to my lips and I’m drinking it to the last drop. I want to give my life to save yours. I will fall but you will remain standing. What can my life of mud be worth if I can save the mission of you, my prophet? I want him to take every last drop of my blood and set it on fire, so you will be safe and I will no longer exist. I trust only in YOU and I trust that you will reach your divine Glory. “Everything is done”.
THE PRODIGY OF IDEAS 