QUEEN OF DARKNESS

I can’t really explain the pain I feel. I can only tell you that I try to live but this life is really not for me. I swing from moments of extreme anger to moments when I have no reason not to throw myself off the balcony. road without hoping to be hit, I don’t light something without hoping to die from electrocution, I don’t take medicine without hoping to die of an overdose, I don’t smoke or drink without hoping that that substance will kill me. ‘is no one with whom I can share my weight.My head and body are so far apart, I have the heart that every second that passes an extra crack, I have a thousand thoughts that I try to escape but lethally devour me every part of I don’t see reasons for just another breath and the more in vain I try to find reasons not to go, the more the world or life gives me some to really leave. I try, but maybe for some life is not, I’m sorry to disappoint those who perhaps still believed in me. I can’t really stay, if they asked me why are you so sad? he is distant and I die waiting. I loved you, and how real are the tears that now would like to fall from my eyes, how real are my absent and dull looks, how real are panic attacks, how real is the commitment that I put into it, so it is always was my love for you or for you true. I leave my place in this life to someone else, I do not deserve or want to live it. I have become just an empty shell that walks and breathes. I died long ago, my soul died long ago. I’m not a princess, he won’t trigger him to save me, he really won the bad this time around.

My sensitivity is my gift and my cross. Where the many are barred, I am allowed to feel. I feel the shades of the soul and I see its colors. My wonder of a wildflower and I cry in front of the sea. I see no heart for the scar and no tears for tears. I feel joy and pleasure, pain and suffering. This is my gift, this is my cross. Music has taught me to be curious. A love cannot take something away from you. Those who say they sacrificed themselves for love make me laugh. Too bad for them. Fears are needed. It is not useful to chase them away. I’m afraid that fear will paralyze me one day. This yes. But it doesn’t just apply to me. It scares me that it could happen to anyone. ou, queen of few words, heal my soul. Let the darkness peacefully lull her into the day. Luminous Queen, common point between distant souls, let me free myself from the chains of distance that men have not yet been able to destroy. Let him be able to rock me one more night, and another. And if you can’t leave us together, enlighten us also tonight and cradle and our souls that meanwhile dance a nostalgic waltz on the edge of the precipice of human will. And let this dance be eternal. Let at least our souls be together, distant queen.

NARCISISTIC LOVE

Loving oneself and loving others are two inseparable things, one the reflection of the other.
This makes me think of narcissists, who in the common imagination are people who love only themselves.
But starting from the premise made, we understand that their love for themselves is no less sick than that felt by those who love others without loving themselves.
In both cases it is a simple compensation of infantile needs, neither is pure love. But society only takes it out on narcissists (and their invisible insecurities) and instead puts those who love others on a pedestal to satisfy their ego.
We are perpetually deceived by the courteous and kind manners of certain people which lead us to think that there is a correspondence between them and the goodness of soul.
On the other hand, among the most common masks and disguises of ugly people, inside there are beautiful manners.
They serve to sidetrack the real thoughts they have about others and relieve their feelings of guilt.
A person with strong narcissistic dynamics does not tolerate being left behind. Not because he cares about you. Because he wants to manage the waste. If she is the one to leave, she does so naturally and without scruples. If one dares to leave it, it will not be tolerated. Often he will try to hang up and then be able to suddenly get out of the relationship, keeping the image of himself victorious. Let us remember in all this what is important to her is not you. It is to safeguard itself. There are people who tend to get overwhelmed and humiliate themselves with everyone in the most varied contexts. When you get used to overstepping your limits because you are unable to oppose, rebel and say no, you enter a deadly loop in which you lose your borders. To the sense of humiliation you risk to become anesthetized and never get out of it.

The opportunities for awakening, however, happen to everyone sooner or later and it is one that must be taken advantage of to be indignant and raise one's head.

Living crushed, humiliated, submissive and bent can cause premature death or eternal unhappiness. Saving opportunities need to be seized as they arise. It is only the idiots who do not know how to grasp them and remain in their mire.
It's not your fault you stay in the mud. It's just happening that someone or somebody, a narcissistic person, is using you and manipulating you to get something: money, sex, success, gifts.
There is no narcissist, man or woman, who does not lead a double or triple life.
Victims are always very surprised by this because, among the various deceptions they implement, they manage to make you feel unique when they are there.
And so we tend not to ask ourselves where they are when they are not there.
The answer is simple: to tell someone else bullshit. Victims of perverse narcissists and psychopaths in general should focus on their own narcissistic wounds and fear of rejection in particular. Because it is precisely when you insist on staying close to the bastards, at all costs, that the process of self-destruction begins. Staying next to an abused will only amplify a wound that will never heal.
The essential principle of recovering from the trauma of a relationship with a psychopath is through total and complete acceptance of the truth.
This truth is only betrayal. This truth is very painful, but it is the only one that can heal the wound of a betrayal [abuse] trauma.
Not accepting the truth causes the brain to generate the worst reactions, functioning like a computer that is stuck and does not advance.
The first and most necessary reset of your brain is assuming from the beginning of your recovery the ultimate truth of your own innocence and the undeserving of what happens to you.
You were betrayed by someone who shouldn't have done it.
Years of "blame treatment" by a psychopath can convince his victims that it's all their fault.
The truth is, loving a psychopath is scary to those who experience it.
His inability to feel and experience emotions leads him to a surprisingly frightening emotional coldness for his victims.
A life devoid of emotions bores them and, for this reason, they seek in betrayal, risk, deception or overcoming any moral or legal limit the way to be able to get out of that deadly tedium in which they live, thus generating emotions that devastate the partner.
His moral inability to take responsibility for his actions, his harsh and callous behavior, his sense of grandiosity and of deserving everything without any effort to achieve it, leads the psychopath to refuse to feel discomfort, guilt or remorse for his indolent, parasitic, unfair or directly predatory behavior.
It is always others who are to blame.
It is usually necessary to remind the victim that he is innocent. It's not his fault, but the psychopath's.
The victim did nothing to deserve this destruction. There is nothing that justifies what one suffers at the hands of the psychopath.
One of the most positive aspects of working with patients who have been victims of a relationship with a psychopath is the fact that the suffering they bring is of such caliber that they are more motivated than any other type of patient to do "whatever" you propose to get out. from the well.
In this sense, having suffered so much in a psychopathic relationship offers the best therapeutic predictions.
If you go ahead and believe in the truth of your innocence and have hope, you will heal your relationship with the psychopath and learn to prevent and anticipate in time any further trauma of abuse that may appear in your life.
To believe that you will move forward is to have hope. And hope is the best prognosis for your recovery.
Believe me when I tell you that all of this will end, and you will go on, even if now you don't see anything and you find yourself in the dark. Start turning on the light and be determined to move forward from truth and recovered innocence.

STORY OF A NAKED LOVE

When I met you I didn't know what we would become.
I didn't know what love would turn us into.
I didn't even know that you would be the love to me that I never imagined I would find. I didn't know that love saves.
I didn't know that love would take my breath away as only you can take it, love.
When I met you I had to fight with every fear that I had always carried inside me, every day for all my life. I had to fight myself and you because you weren't real. You were dreaming and dreams hurt in the morning when you wake up. You I love you was a struggle against everything I had in my heart and brain.
Because you know, the heart goes on one side, the brain on the other.
And I believe that love is love when the brain and heart both answer yes.
Becoming yours was a reward, it was receiving the best gift ever requested and received. You weren't expected, you weren't expected to upset my life. It was not expected that together we would be different.
Beautiful things are never expected.
Love, they say, is seeing even the worst of the other beautiful and it is true. True because I see everything about you beautiful, even your worst. Because loving is first learning to love mistakes. The defects, the ugliness, the troubles of the other.
When I met you I did not know, you taught me.
Like everything else. Like to love, like to fly looking at a pair of eyes. How to write your name everywhere. How to learn how to make cakes just to surprise you.
That fighting is the most powerful demonstration of love there is.
That the sun in your eyes warms up more willingly if two hands are intertwined, especially if these hands are ours.
When I met you I didn't know that making yourself beautiful was something to give to you.
I did not know that each of your "you are beautiful" would remain engraved in the heart and each "I love you" would become a mark on the bones.
When I met you I didn't know that loving you would empty and fill me with everything and that being naked in front of you meant feeling free for the first time in my entire life.
But love, I'm not just talking about a naked me in your arms, I'm not just talking about skin that undresses and hands that touch, I'm talking about showing you my heart as it is, without barriers, without reservations: naked.You took it. I gave it to you.
And I thank you for all the fears you have taken, for all the insecurities that you have cured me, for all the still open wounds that you have disinfected me. Thanks.
Because people don't know they hurt, because life doesn't know it's hurting and because we ourselves don't know how to stop hurting ourselves and then we are poisoned by wounds that do not heal and for this I thank you for coming, for knowing you and letting myself be saved.
When I met you I did not know that love is a miracle and that the greatest miracle for me is you. 

SURPRISE IN THE BOX

Thanks for the dreams come true and pull yourself out of a drawer thanks for all this for making me touch the sky with a finger sometimes for pushing me to never give up always try again for teaching me that I can even do it alone for clarified situations for the moonlight.
Thanks for the dreams launched into the sky hoping that they will come true for the strength that I have lost and that I have always found again to keep fighting not to give up.
Thanks for all those times I thought I didn’t know how to go on, but I did it for severe pain when the world collapsed on my shoulders thank you very much, because sometimes even that has helped me to grow thanks for the words that I have never lost because sometimes they were poems.
Thanks for the summer sunsets for the spring skies for dawns at seven in the morning for this winter too cold but not too dull because I allowed a ray of sunshine to enter and it was enough to make me reborn to make me go back to the same as always. And thanks, yes because for the first time I was my only ray and I love myself at least a little and at least a little I am not afraid of anything.
Thanks for the courage to have let go that there was to let go and thanks for the strength to keep with me who is there to keep even if far away.
Thanks life even if sometimes you really sucked but thank you for making me born again because you haven’t made me forget certain eyes because my heart hasn’t stopped beating for those I love to die for and to live and
thanks for the love too what I started feeling for myself what I have never stopped feeling for others who is tired now disappointed but always strong and combative.
Thank you for scratches for the beautiful mouths to live for the kisses that make you live for perfumes that don’t go away
And when I’m quiet doing my thing, it always occurs to you to surprise me with a kiss on the cheek, making a thousand emotions explode in me. Then I close my eyes, to savor that kiss again and to engrave it in my memory. I always think, sooner or later, I will need it. And this is a fantastic sign, it means that there is hope, that beautiful things can happen even when you don’t expect them anymore. Yes, maybe there are always beautiful things waiting for you, maybe the opportunities aren’t over, maybe even when your horizon is flat and deserted and you think there is nothing left to see, here are the surprises that pop out of nowhere and can overwhelm life. Who sends the waves to the shore because he knows that you are sitting there and looking at the horizon.

DONNA TART-THE GOLDFINCH

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