FINDING THE DAWN IN THE HOLE OF THE HEART

Panic attacks are awful. They come to you like this, without a reason. So at any moment you are in another dimension; you don’t know where you are; stay still you panic. You tremble. You breathe little and you feel bad, you feel death, heart attackā€¦. you feel bad and you have to go through everything alone. But then the breath comes back, you could survive again. I’m not sure where I find all this strength. Destiny has always had a great sense of humor, she enjoys doing strange things and making people suffer, she plays with them as if they were puppets, and we can’t help but stand still and watch. I dreamed of pink sunrises over the sea. I saw them all but fate took them away. The black sea remained, deep, and I could not go down there to get wet and drown. Even when we were born we actually died, we went to a completely different dimension, and we suffered, it wasn’t easy, our life at that moment ended and we were transported to another dimension. If you think about it when we are in the belly it is not defined earthly life, it is life inside the placenta, therefore the ‘placental’ life ceases. Who tells us that after earthly life there is no life in another temporal dimension? I can be here but enter another timeline when I’m sick. Destiny has taken my pink dawns but the blue sea covers my body, it flies blue and I am happy in the sea.

PANIC ATTACK

A panic attack causes certain specific symptoms such as tachycardia and the feeling of having a heart attack, wheezing and cold sweats. When you try it for the first time and arrive in the emergency room, not knowing what is happening to you, doctors mislead the conversation by talking about stress as if the word panic were taboo. However, panic often comes with images, sometimes at the same time of the day and sometimes as a surprise. The attack of anguish is very different. It is as if a hole is opened in the diaphragm and this is about to absorb all the vital strenght. All you can do is lie down and wait for it to pass. There is no tachycardia and no images or sweats. Just the feeling that something inside you is about to be absorbed or poisoned. I describe this distinction because they are such profound personal experiences that after so many years I can distinguish them well. I have seen, reading many texts, that hardly anyone ever talks about images referring to states of anxiety. I do not know if research has been done in this regard but I have not found any feedback. Yet in me the attacks have always been preceded by images, blurred, but which were repeated every time.

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