We were lying in bed.
Like any other afternoon.
But this was no ordinary afternoon.
We were there under the covers.
Dressed but stripped of any pride.
You stroked my hair, playing with it.
I had my head hidden in your chest.
Up until half an hour ago, we had been sitting on that same bed.
You had tears in your eyes, you were holding your face in your hands, avoiding my gazes.
I used to cry with you, so vulnerable to see you sick.
You were trembling, sobbing.
"I can not lose you" you said to me in a faint voice.
"You don't love what I have become"
But at that moment I loved you even more.
We both got scared.
I am a mess, you know.
You feared for a moment that I was leaving and you freaked out.
A bit like I usually do, only more conspicuously.
I dried your tears and in the meantime I was making myself strong for both of them.
Because in the end the strength lies, if it comes to you.
Because if something scares both of you, I must always be there, to belittle it, to convince you that everything is fine.
You took me with all my problems, you picked me up and you decided to look after me, with all the patience and love of this world.
So when you go haywire, I'm there ready to play the part of the "healthy" and "reassuring" one, even if it doesn't suit me at all.
In the end we hugged tightly and pulled ourselves up;
not that we had eliminated all problems, in fact not at all.
But we were there for each other.
So once the thoughts died out, we remained embraced, with no words to say.
Only in a moment did you break the silence:
"Vanessa, I love you"
I said it all in one breath, as if it were the most important thing to say. Which, after all, it was like that.
Clizia was a young nymph, lost in love with the Sun, so she followed him all day while he drove his chariot of fire throughout the sky. The sun, at first was flattered and a little touched by that devotion … he thought he was in love with her in turn and decided to seduce her, which was not difficult for him! But soon the Sun got tired of Clizia’s love and gave her, as they say … the welcome by turning his attention elsewhere. The poor nymph wept continuously for nine whole days.
Today I cried again. Alone. In the shower.
I got good at not getting noticed in those moments. Or at least I try.
I don't always succeed.
The truth is that, by now, I have too much load to be able to "hide". Too many words that were not spoken, too many emotions that we tried to hold back. They are all there: stuck in the throat for several months. I'm on vacation and I should smile at everyone. But as usual he ruins everything.
Emotions press hard, like a ping-pong ball into the stomach.
The Miss who can make it at any cost, this time has succumbed to a crash.
Always at the right time when others need a hand and always at the wrong time when it's your turn. Because Miss doesn't know how to ask for help. They taught her (no, not her parents, but Existence itself) to stand on her legs and arms, because the mental stakes one clings to always disappoint.
And he does not know how to ask for help, nor take it, not even when that help comes spontaneously.
Perhaps because not all of them are inclined to Listening and even less lead to Listening to You.
Few are those who take words out of your mouth and pain out of your heart.
There are even fewer who understand you or those who care to understand.
No victimhood: everyone has their own difficulties in life and pain often tends to close rather than open.
Fears, then, govern the unmanageability of certain situations and you don't know what to do, how to help.
Silence. Thus we take refuge in Silence, when Speaking and being Listened to is the only real solution.
This is why, in the end, most people go to psychologists: because "no man is an island" and everyone wants to talk.
Listening is no longer practiced, not even towards oneself.
We hurt ourselves so much with words that don't come out, with emotions that don't vibrate, with gestures that don't happen.
Then you anesthetize yourself and think that finally that is the solution in which you no longer feel anything, to discover with horror that the pain remains and the joy fades too quickly.
It does not come out.
Today I cried in the shower. Alone.
I cried to cradle a little girl whose father died just over two months ago; I cried because that creature knows that her father was not a good father, but that he was hers and no one can take this memory out of her head.
I cried listening to the Woman with the chaos of feelings in the Soul, the indestructible Goddess who never wants to collapse ... pity that she is in a physical body that, sooner or later, had to yield to so many difficulties.
I cried for the youngest daughter, the one who wants to feel fragile because feeling fragile is a sign of humility towards oneself and towards one's own Existence.
I held the child, the lady, the youngest daughter .. I cried with them.
I burned my chest with sobs and ran out of tears. For today.
They will come back. Until I learn to speak.
He always destroys everything. Him and his anger. And now he sleeps and I am the woman who dreams when he sleeps.
I stared at him, but only for an instant, the time to cross that blue sea that always put me in awe. I felt like a thief caught in fragrant, guilty of that strange addiction I now had on his face. It was like a drug, I couldn’t do without it, and it was never enough. Greedy, I always wanted more, but you know the effect of being toxic to something or someone: it never ends well. And that’s what I repeated to myself, like a mantra, every time, so as not to fall for it: “Don’t get lost in those eyes”. I took a deep breath, staring at an indefinite point. Every cell in my body was on high alert and was screaming “Send it away”. While the heart remained in absolute peace, in its little corner of paradise, there in the center of the chest, where at every beat it seemed to mark its name.I squeezed into the seat of the black Honda as the road passed fast below us. I checked out of the corner of my eye to see if he was looking at me, but at that very moment, I saw him go into the fast lane to pass an off-road vehicle ahead of us. I took courage, taking advantage of his moment of distraction, while the words came out of my mouth without any control, as if I hadn’t been the one to pronounce them: << Why did you want to see me? >>. I felt his eyes on me, incessant, violent, as if they wanted to dig inside me. I kept my gaze down, helpless now, outraged by his implicit irreverence. << I needed it >>. << What do you mean you needed it? >>. I realized I had almost screamed, exasperated. I lowered my voice, not even giving him time to reply. << You need oxygen, water. You need to feed, to sleep. Not people. Those, you simply want them or you don’t want them. And you don’t want me >>. << This is where you’re wrong >>.I felt a butterfly go through my stomach. Her breathing slowed as her heart pounded inside. I replied with pride, as always, when I was too afraid. << You’re just lying. If you needed me, you’d hold me tight. If you needed me, you would save me >> << I’m already saving you. From me >> << You can’t. It’s too late >>. << I don’t know how to be there as you deserve. I’d give you a sunny day and then you’re dark. And you need to shine. You shouldn’t waste time with me. I’d just hurt you >>. << You do more to me by staying still, there in the prison that you built. How many brick walls will you still put between you and the world? How long will you be convinced that you are the bad guy, the one who only knows how to destroy? >>. << I don’t know how to love anymore, my friend >>. << I’ll teach you >> << It wouldn’t work. I would hurt you >>.<< You are a coward. Stop being afraid of you, of us. Undo those damn chains. I have no more air and you don’t kiss me. Tell me why >>. << I can not keep anyone next. It’s like you have cold inside. And how can, who is snow, give warmth? Have you wondered? Do you think I would warm you up, that I would be able to always look at you with the same eyes? I would begin to feel cramped in our world. I would invent an alternative route along which to escape. I would treat you badly. I would let you slip away from me, until the day you could no longer bear my silences. Is this what you want in your life? >>. His breathing was labored, perhaps desperate, as lost as he was. I was exhausted too, but I couldn’t give up. << I ask you again: Why did you want to see me? >> << For the dimple >> << What? >><< When you smile, a dimple appears on your right cheek. But you have to be careful and notice it right away, because often then you bite your lip and the dimple disappears. So I stay there like a fool trying to make you laugh, to see her again >>. << You can not claim that you need to see me and drag me here at 3 am for a dimple. Tell me what game are you playing >> << And then sometimes, instead of biting your lip, you touch your hair; but don’t twist them, just brush them, and lower your eyes. And you can see that you are embarrassed, so you try to hide it, but when you get embarrassed you laugh, and here is the dimple again. How to return to the starting point. And I would like to ask you to continue each time, but then I remain silent. So you look at me and you start thinking, and I wonder what is on your mind, what universe you have inside. But I don’t understand it. Here it is.>> Tonight I was thinking about it and I wondered if I was with someone, if I had that look of someone who is focused and is thinking about something. And a strange thing happened: I wondered if sometimes I too was among those thoughts, because I wanted it. And I never care about these things. I turned away anyone who was holding me in mind. I didn’t want to be in there. I waged wars to get out when they wanted to lock me up.And instead tonight I would have sat there in your mind. << Would you ever believe it? >>. I opened my mouth to reply, but only silence came out. I wanted to say everything and nothing, then everything again. I reached out to his hand slowly. The more he walked, the more intimidated I was. I first put my index finger to caress the contours of his fingers, then the whole hand. I held hers, tighter and tighter. << I teach you to love. You teach me not to be afraid >>.
The real woman will be criticized for its superficiality, laughter too shrill, the lightness with which problems are faced. Will be judged for the leggings and the short shirt, for immaturity in love, its being unpredictable and moody. You will call her “little girl” for exaggerated reactions, I manage insane, for the perennial desire to be in the bed curled up rather than in the kitchen. Life for its inconsistency, the confusion and its insecurities. You will label it as unsuitable, exaggerated. Yet the real woman is the one who breaks the expectations of others, as a price for his happiness.I fell in love with you. Yes, I’m madly, inexplicably in love with you. You know, I wonder why, but then I look at you and I understand it, you are that someone I would like by my side and not because you are tremendously beautiful and charming, but because I like you, as a person. I would like to hate you for the simple fact that you feel nothing for me, but then you smile and I fall in love even more. With those green and smiling eyes, with that I know everything and with that certainty that only a few have. I would like to hug you, finally smell your smell and feel your hands caress my hair. Sometimes, I just wish I could look you in the eye and make you understand what I feel, because to tell you verbally I would never make it. I look at you from afar, with protective eyes, in silence, staring at your movements, your ways of doing which for me are simply perfect. I would like to take you by the hand and talk to you about my things and hear all your talk, which may seem nonsense, but which I somehow understand. I imagine a we that will never be there, a us that only I give importance to. I would like to forget you, hoping it will be easy for the simple fact that the two of us have not lived anything together, but I’m wrong, I try but it’s impossible for me. I am not enough for you, I know this, you would like the perfect girl, not one with a thousand problems and insecurities, with a moody and unstable character, with a life of regrets and disappointments, with one who knows she has lost from the start . But basically I have to admit that I hope so, I hope you accept me for who I am. But I have to stop thinking about you, it’s the only way to stop hurting myself. Because yes, I’m hurting myself in loving you. But know that as long as I love you, I will be here waiting for you with a mad desire to be by your side and to love you even more.I love the sea, the sound of the waves, the beach. I hate almost, maybe, monosyllables. I give weight to the words. I cry for a movie, for the ending of a book, for people who are going away. I am angry enough, but a little word is enough to get me through, I can’t keep a nose at the people I care about. I always believe that the last attempt is the penultimate, and I believe that good things are not achieved if you do not fight. I’m paranoid, impulsive, I’m terribly jealous and I’m moody. I’m into complicated things, but I can’t last long. I don’t know how to say goodbye. I just know that I stay, stay if I believe in something.You are complicated. Sometimes you get so paranoid that it’s almost impossible not to hate yourself. You don’t like yourself because you’re not perfect. And yes you are not perfect, but who is? You complain all the time about your defects, you are moody, insecure, a total nonsense. But you are also the most sensitive and sweet person. You hide behind layers of sarcasm, you pretend to be a bitch, but you are not … you get lost in a hug. You get attached easily and you would give your heart to those you love. You love so much, you love strong and never halfway. and you stay even when they distance you, they hurt you, even when they don’t deserve it, you stay until the end, even at the cost of losing yourself.
THE PRODIGY OF IDEAS 