NIGHTMARE LIFE

I haven’t felt this scared in a long time. Loneliness has once again made a nest inside of me and I can’t remember when it started. I don’t feel happy emotions, just moments of relief here and there. Something has jammed and I don’t know how to fix it. Is all this a nightmare? Am I just dreaming? Or has my life really taken that ugly turn that I haven’t felt for years now? Why is all this happening to me? Do others feel these unpleasant emotions too? I can only ask myself questions without finding the answer to any of them. I feel tired, deprived of strength to tidy up this mess, but the less I try to resolve the tangle in my head, the more He takes possession of me, preventing me from breathing. I don’t know where I will end up if I continue like this, I cannot see a positive perspective in all of this. But the worst part is that I don’t even want to do it. I am tired of always having to fight against life, this life that was “given” to me without my consent. I hate saying all these things, I hate thinking about them, I hate feeling helpless in front of myself. All this leads me to the only conclusion in which they are all better than me, for the simple fact that they know how to react better than me to the adversity of their evil thoughts, to their monsters who, contrary to how I did, have managed to appease . Why does it always have to be painful to me? I got tired of crying, but the tears never stop flowing. Is all this a nightmare? Am I dreaming? I would like to be able to answer yes to these questions of mine, but unfortunately this is not the case.

We uprooted trees, skinned their trunks, extracted their souls to make neat sheets of paper, only to be able to smear them with filthy feelings … Millions of tortured and tortured daisies, unable to answer a question they don’t even understand … We dig deep into the earth to extract tokens of love that are shiny enough to hide the flaws in our feelings … Love destroys ecosystems to demonstrate something that cannot be demonstrated. Only what’s really deep reaches the surface (and I don’t remember who said that, but it’s true). For this you should put a cutting hand, horizontal, at the height of the nose, to see the gaze of those in front of you and understand. And break the bread in the middle, smell the first scent and understand. And choosing seemingly unmotivated preferences for people. Appearance is key. Of course. Women who can perfectly distinguish between 78 shades of lipstick, but cannot distinguish between a real man and a jerk who teases them. It always seems to me that there is something, something to understand that escapes me, promised in a dream and hastily yielded by the night and taken again sneaking white-handed of the day closed one above the other and voices whispering: “guess” behind every door, with a black mouth of every extinct fireplace and on the snow, footprints leading to a place and an hour later they are gone.
And what happens during the night Only she knows. She who, In its darkness, It hides secrets and loves. Fascinating because mysterious, Silent because it is messed up. Nobody can understand it, She who does not seek to be understood. Only the night seems to be her friend, He is close to her while she cries, He caresses her hair with his wind. And so, one night, he went away

BLACK FLOWER

my bed has a hole in it
my sock has holes in it
my heart is pierced
my sweater has holes in it
my glass has a hole in it
my shoe has holes in it
my mind is whole,
my empty cup,
my plate of green vegetables.
Tonight a nightmare of drinks and chic clothes. Black, red, gold and blue, sparkling, fabulous.
I didn't open my eyes because there was something else in my past.
I didn't want to wear clothes for anyone.
I want to stay in leggings and a T-shirt.
I want to stay out of the world of elegant zombies.

SLEEPING DUTY

Sleeping is one of those things that has always fascinated me. Why we sleep, I mean. We all have basic needs as living beings: we must drink, eat, carry out our organic functions and then we must sleep. Otherwise we don’t work, otherwise we go haywire, in short, we die not to sleep (we have to mention, what do I know, like Nightmare?), It is one of those basic needs. On average, we should sleep about 8 hours a day, which is equivalent to 1/3 of the day, which then means, in a nutshell, about 1/3 of our life. It is a lot of time to think about it, many say it is “wasted” time … maybe instead we have to stay awake and work for 2/3 of our life to get 1/3 of that absolute freedom. When we sleep we enter a world that is made different. We lose contact with reality, dream and re-process the information collected inside and outside of us in a completely personal way. And this step is necessary and fundamental in order not to freak out. Yet we take it for granted. We are what we are when we are awake, that is our identity, what we believe we are is represented by our conscious image and when we are awake and alert we worry about buying a comfortable mattress, arranging the bedroom furniture according to the Feng Shui, to change the sheets, to sleep well, in short. Because sleeping well is more important than eating well, for example. But we take it for granted. I emphasize this, because it is something that few people talk about. At work in the morning typically “what did you do last night?” “Well, I was tired, I had dinner, I saw a movie and then I went to sleep” and then that’s it, life ended there when you closed your eyes and starts again in the morning when the alarm goes off. We recharge our batteries every night, but we don’t talk much about it.
Everything that the human being designs has this mechanism inside: we are always convinced that whatever we do must somehow recharge or rest. We consider it a primary need even for inanimate things. We cannot design or conceive of something that is in perpetual motion. Something that is always on, something that can work perfectly forever. Everything we design has our own basic needs inherent. Only when we have a very bad dream or are unable to sleep does the topic become public “you know, last night I had a terrible dream!” “Ah, don’t tell me, in the last period I haven’t slept so much I was stressed from work, I woke up every 5 minutes!”, Only then do dreams and dream imaginary interfere with our everyday life otherwise nothing, we take it for granted. Sometimes I like to think I have a parallel life. At night, just as it happens in reverse during the day, I am unaware of what I did when I was awake, I wear different clothes and wake up on the other side, where I have another life. They interfere with each other only when there is something serious that does not work on one or the other side of that thin horizon. Otherwise they continue independently, like two parallel lines. Maybe in my dreams I do a different job, I live in another house, I have other animals, other friends, maybe I also have a husband and children, who knows … I am unaware of my daytime life just as I am unaware of mine during the day dream life. It’s not a very original thought, I know it from myself. But it still fascinates me terribly.

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