COME AS YOU ARE

KURT E COURTNEY

Kurt, we all know the matter of his suffering from parental separation. Kurt perhaps feeling abandoned and unable to find a strong woman to feel safe. But did Coutney really love it or did he just use it? Was she a mother figure, as Yoko had been for John, or was she just a partner, also unhappy and addicted to drugs? Maybe Kurt decided to die because I can't find comfort in his (pierced?) Arms?

Can a woman replace a lost (not physically dead) mother or can the parenting function not be effective in this case? Courtney, if you look closely, in many photos she looks like a capricious child rather than a grown woman. So maybe Kurt was under the illusion that he could be “looked after” by her while in reality it was she who needed to be contained. Somehow this relationship was unbalanced but that didn’t stop the two musicians from having a baby girl. We’ve seen Cortney go from rock star to elegant lady, thanks to dead Kurt’s money. So did she act well or did she really love him?

ADOLESCENCE

I remember my adolescence partly carefree, because I studied, made music and painted a lot, and partly painful, because I had to listen to my mother’s problems, I didn’t know how to deal with mine and she wanted my help and I gave her advice but she did not listen to me, I only served as a container in which to put all her suffering. So I had loves but I didn’t even talk about it to my sister because she was smaller and shy, she wanted to copy me in everything, I was flattered but then it was a disaster when I left because she felt abandoned, and I didn’t have it done on purpose but I had dreams that I wanted to fulfill and she still had to finish school and could leave the following year but then she didn’t come to me anymore and I was very disappointed. I was a happy and angry child, I had long hair and blond curls, I made faces at my waist but I always knew how to collect tears. I was so afraid when I lost the caresses of the hands of those I loved, the beautiful eyes that were the background of my dreams. I have always responded with elegance to offenses, without ever taking away and without giving too much. I tied to silver threads hanging from the sky, notes of soul to make poetry rain, to protect me from the world. I took a train in my mind and walked miles to kiss you and tell you I love you, because I don’t know how to shout. I scream in the silences. I put aside my insecurities to warm my heart, to take cover. I ran a lot in my dreams, to catch up with you and I would always run, because they taught me that love is the only thing worth fighting for and continuing to breathe.
I was an insecure, anxious girl, a good girl, one who always did what was asked of him, who never went crazy, who watched others live and she always remained on the bench, who dreamed of meeting great love. I have lived like this for 15 years. Then something happened. I fell in love. A year spent behind a boy, dignity under his feet, his heart punched, of which only scattered fragments remained. When it was all over I was destroyed. I said to myself “enough is enough! Time to change! ” And so it was. You know, you change by choice, not by chance. You change when something breaks and you are faced with a choice: change or fall behind. I have always hated being left behind, I have always loved running, and so I did, I ran, chasing the girl I had been all my life away in a corner of my mind. I started drinking, smoking, even what I could have avoided. I started to go dancing, to collect meetings, guys that after one evening I would never see again. I just wanted to have fun, feel like a teenager for once. This is what happens to those who spend a lifetime doing the right thing. The day will come when he decides to put a point and break everything. But I assure you in the same way that the day will come when all this will no longer be enough. Where your heart of ice will hurt too much in your chest. In which neither cigarettes nor straws will be able to calm the anxiety that arises inside you, which torments you like a hurricane. In which vodka will no longer be able to make you happy. In which you will understand that all those guys have only used you as an object: taken, used, thrown, replaced, and your insecurity will become unbearable. In which breaking all the rules will make you feel wrong, and more alone than ever. Because you see, you can never allow anyone to love you unless you first learn to love yourself. Another year has passed. And now? Now I am a confident, determined girl, one who does not do what is asked of her, nor who disobeys him in the name of some principle, now I decide my life, I have stopped being on the bench, I have stopped looking love and I started looking for myself, to love me despite all my infinite defects and you know what? It was then that love found me. Love each other. It is the only rule to be happy.

IN CASE OF FRIENDSHIP STAY AWAY

Friendship is when you feel like telling all your thoughts. When you finally believe that someone can welcome you. But not everyone is capable of welcoming.
Why? Because maybe they are more messed up than you but they don’t tell you.
Because if you think your life is useless, they think of themselves even worse.
So leave them alone.
Men are always busy. Women are always busy.
Friendship is a robotic function of your buggy brain.
Why do you still believe that human beings hesitate but instead here they are, here they are human beings.
Did you know that they are all aliens like you, what did you expect?
Friendship is underground.
It cannot exist between man and woman.
Either he falls in love or she falls in love.
And you don’t like love.
You prefer the ocean.
It is better to look at all different waves than human beings who are all alike.
Could someone have done something?
Yes, someone could have held out a hand but didn’t.
Then rest in peace, sweet friendship.

REACTION

Night comes and bears your face. The most beautiful night, the clearest moon and the quietest woods. The night that is liberates and dark like you, but at the same time defenseless and bright. The night comes that brings confusion in me and into other tranquility: you always bring confusion. The night arrives that goes from zero to a thousand, from a thousand to zero, then quiet, then sound, rustle and flowing water. The night that, like you, is restless, unstoppable, tireless, but still wonderful!
It’s like I’m still a little child actually. The noises, the tastes, the smells, the sight and the touch are amplified, but so much that at times I seem strange (they probably are). When I eat something that’s done really well, and by good I mean when it almost makes your tongue melt at how good it is, I cry. I cry because I am moved, I cry because the taste is so good that I really feel happy in that moment. When I touch the leaves or branches of some plant I almost think I feel their essence inside me, I almost think I am one with nature. When I observe people’s eyes I try to capture their feelings almost obsessively, I work so hard that I often succeed. When I listen to music or just someone talking, it seems to me that something vibrates in me, as if my body changes as the pitch changes. The most beautiful thing of all is the way I look at things: with curiosity and passion, as if everything were beautiful, as if everything were new, even looking at the same things. I will be crazy, of course, but I am proud of this madness!
We listen to music because it is as if, in some way, it made us feel strong, with our backs covered, with our emotions protected. We listen to music because thanks to it, often times, we don’t need to talk, and other times just because we need to do it, but we can’t do it in any other way. We listen to music to tell ourselves a lot of mental lies and, sometimes, to be able to admit the truth to ourselves. We use music because among a thousand things that exist, music always understands us! It comforts us when we want to be comforted; it kills us when we already feel like corpses; it makes us happy when we need to be; it makes us sad when we cannot feel otherwise; it makes us nostalgic when it reminds us of particular events through words or sound. The thing that does music better, however, is to make us silent: it speaks when we are unable to speak, it silences us when we want to talk too much!

FASTER THAN FURIOUS

People go on, but I stay behind. Between the constant panic attacks, my thousand obsessions and paranoia, between my beliefs and my illusions, between my words and my thoughts, between traffic and horns, between graduates and workers, between being or not being, I stay behind, between the accelerated beats and those too slow. I am always, at least, one step behind, even if I pretend that I do not weigh it on me, even if I strive four times as much, something must always happen, even a tiny thing that slows me down, and it is difficult to pretend to feel good while I struggle continuously and obsessively to do something on time. I would like to reach things quickly, I feel so much pressure that I end up slowing down by myself, complicating things, but I don’t think it’s all my fault. I think part of the problem is in society that forces me to do anything in a set time, almost as if we were machines. The problem is that not all of us are perfect, indeed, some are even so slow that they find it difficult to breathe. Some are like me.
They talked to me too often about friendship, now I don’t even think it exists anymore. Before I was hoping for it, today I have resigned myself and it is a bad reality. You put in your soul, body, mental and physical health, blood and bones to get a lot of fucking nothing, not even respect, not even that anymore. And yes, having a friend is a beautiful thing, but I have no reach, I don’t know if it is because I have always put too much heart into it, but no one has ever done anything to have my friendship, then there is me who in three seconds I send fuck all for this. What deluded. Who are then called “friends” and are always ready to throw the first stone, to spit on respect and, above all, to believe they know me, when they stopped at the external facade. What a hypocrite he is who considers himself my friend, you only want to be friends with me when it suits you!

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