HALO

I mean I’m not one who gives up… I mean, I’ve never done that. But as I was walking the other day, I thought back to my past. 2 years ago to be precise .. I was thinking of the person who introduced me to true love, the same person who then broke my heart in such a way that nothing would be the same as before. I thought and thought and all our promises, to the fact that I said to myself “at the cost of dying, I will not lose it” I thought of all the sacrifices I have made for her and how long I have waited for her. As I was walking, something stopped a whole stream of thoughts running through my head, and suddenly everything became clearer. It was time to close with the past … not because I had given up, but because the person I was was no longer there. And in my total awareness of an inner loss, I was tremendously happy. That boy was gone as he wished. With her by his side or with death. Luck wasn’t on his side… he fell, but he kept his promise. And I am happy, happy for this glorious loss. I was able to close a part of my life, my past. and now..what will the future bring me?
I grew up on it. The problem actually… is the technology. Facebook..the movies on TV..etc..see all the people who go out, turn the corner and find friends..this weighs on me every now and then. I can clearly feel the lack of this emotional trait. But on the other hand, I wouldn’t be able to be in big company. My normality is now part of me as much as I am part of her, what you call loneliness is just habit for me. I like to wake up in the morning, open the balcony to the sun. In fact, I learned that there is a lot of life and happiness here too. Once the balcony is open, the birds chirping, the wind in the trees and the smell of dew. God, I could never do without this. Everything is so alive in this desolate place.
It’s relative … now loneliness is part of me. I mean, I don’t call it loneliness anymore. it’s normal for me. When my friends came every now and then, they were bored to death, they did not listen to the birds, they did not smell the scent of trees and flowers, and they did not see the peace and harmony that surrounded them. rather! What I call peace for them is boredom and waste of time… so… it’s all relat
lately I feel that I belong nowhere and that I am not fully connected with any person. it seems to me that all of a sudden the people around me are strangers, people with whom I have nothing in common, with whom I have nothing to say and with whom I never feel 100 percent at ease. this makes me sad and I feel the need to find new people, people equal to me, who really understand me, with whom I can always be myself, however, it is so difficult, I am not good at relating, I am not good at making new friends and i am not able to take matters into my own hands because i always try to repress everything and not even try is what is best for me, i’m a bit of a coward and i know i will curse myself in the future but i just can’t do I change
Soon I will be back, perhaps stronger, perhaps weaker, and I will try to explain calmly and calmly what I have done and how I feel; now I just need not to think, because my thoughts scare me. I’d like to get distracted, find something to talk about that doesn’t make me uncomfortable, rediscover that strength to live that now unfortunately I lack. Thanks for the support you are giving me, thanks for the words, the phrases, thanks for everything. You are the only friends I have, and I truly thank you with my heart for staying close to me, for listening to me even when I don’t feel like talking, and for staying silent with me if I need to. I love you, really.

NOCTURNIA

the sea falls from the eyes
the bones embrace my heart
they hold him like a fist.
I did the first harm during the day.
the night embraces me with her black hair.
light of the dark.
you are a big moon.
I am a lonely shadow in the night.
Even the moon is eclipsed as I pass.
The stars are covered with clouds.
Rain mixes with tears.
Dark thoughts thicken.
Like trees in the middle of the forest.
A deafening silence reigns around me.
the sea wall comes up against my heart.
the waves welcome my shivering from the cold.
I curl up under the sheets.
but she still peeks at me. cursed moon.
In recent years my life has changed a lot, between people found and people lost the account is always zero. After he left me I started a new life, and thanks to this I found new paths. There have been people who have deeply saved me, one more than all, I was in a terrible moment, alone, with no one to talk to. I felt like I was clinging to the edge of a precipice. He saved me. And I naively believed that nothing would divide us. I never told him, but we rarely talk now, he has his life and he looks happy. So I decided to leave it alone and leave the pieces where they were. Then I fell in love, or maybe I fell in love with the way he loves me, totally irrational, beautiful and dispassionate. Preferring to swallow my shit rather than say goodbye, he left it all for me. I don’t think I deserve it, I don’t think I deserve so much love, not anymore. My last relationship left such a deep scar on me that years later it still hurts when I think about it. My mistake was not being able to forgive myself, while he forgave him in the end, and what he couldn’t make me forgive was the idealization that I had built on him. He wasn’t perfect, and he could hurt me, and he could be wrong. And yes he was wrong with me. I work on me, day after day, minute by minute. My life is not bad, difficult at times very dark. I wish I could talk to my past to move forward, but sometimes it is not possible to do so and then it remains broken forever.

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