NOCTURNIA

the sea falls from the eyes
the bones embrace my heart
they hold him like a fist.
I did the first harm during the day.
the night embraces me with her black hair.
light of the dark.
you are a big moon.
I am a lonely shadow in the night.
Even the moon is eclipsed as I pass.
The stars are covered with clouds.
Rain mixes with tears.
Dark thoughts thicken.
Like trees in the middle of the forest.
A deafening silence reigns around me.
the sea wall comes up against my heart.
the waves welcome my shivering from the cold.
I curl up under the sheets.
but she still peeks at me. cursed moon.

In recent years my life has changed a lot, between people found and people lost the account is always zero. After he left me I started a new life, and thanks to this I found new paths. There have been people who have deeply saved me, one more than all, I was in a terrible moment, alone, with no one to talk to. I felt like I was clinging to the edge of a precipice. He saved me. And I naively believed that nothing would divide us. I never told him, but we rarely talk now, he has his life and he looks happy. So I decided to leave it alone and leave the pieces where they were. Then I fell in love, or maybe I fell in love with the way he loves me, totally irrational, beautiful and dispassionate. Preferring to swallow my shit rather than say goodbye, he left it all for me. I don’t think I deserve it, I don’t think I deserve so much love, not anymore. My last relationship left such a deep scar on me that years later it still hurts when I think about it. My mistake was not being able to forgive myself, while he forgave him in the end, and what he couldn’t make me forgive was the idealization that I had built on him. He wasn’t perfect, and he could hurt me, and he could be wrong. And yes he was wrong with me. I work on me, day after day, minute by minute. My life is not bad, difficult at times very dark. I wish I could talk to my past to move forward, but sometimes it is not possible to do so and then it remains broken forever.