THESE ARE DAYS

There are days … …
in which anger runs up to the hands and breaks everything, from pencils to delays. …
where you would just like to hole up in a corner to watch the dark, but no, no you can. …
in which no one realizes that inside you are fixing the emotional traps to survive the next attack. …
where commitments stifle all the urge to scream. …
where not even a hug could put things right. …
in which you are looking for a fight,
just to let off steam a little. … where you just hope it will come tomorrow,
because today is one of those days.

ONE PURPLE DAY

It is difficult to explain a panic attack. It affects you in various ways, when you least expect it. Feel a hand tighten around your heart, and this accelerates, it would like to run away. The legs start shaking, you think the danger comes from outside but the epicenter is within you. You feel lack of air, you feel you die slowly and then in a hurry. All at once, like when you swallow a pill. This sense of oppression comes and goes. It is difficult to explain because it has so many nuances and everyone lives their own and new ones can be added every time. When fear comes, you don’t always have the courage to face it. It’s like dying, but the point is, it doesn’t, just hold on and survive. Your head starts spinning, you get dizzy, the room gets small yet incredibly deep. Everything seems deafening and dangerous. You close your eyes and the nausea moves inside you. You feel the weight of the sea on your chest and your heart is beating as fast as it can.

WE’RE LOST AND FOUND

We are the stolen photos and the hugs that become synonymous with the word home. We are on Saturday nights staggered for drinks with friends that make us less embarrassed and the other six evenings of the weeks spent in front of a movie or a good book while sipping hot chocolate or tea. We are the four seasons in one, the loose sweatshirts that smell of freedom. We are the newspaper clippings attached to a notebook and the hippy van with which to travel the world. We are the fleeting moments in which happiness, smiles and tears reside. We are the I love you and I love you whispered in your ear, I miss you said with my eyes, I would like you thought and never uttered. We are the thousand books that fill every corner of our house, the poems that make us dream and the slips of paper with the thousand phrases written by our handwriting. We are dreamers desperate for happiness. We are the life that deserves to be lived.
At my age, I still haven’t learned how to manage anxiety. In reality there are many things that I have not learned and that no one has explained to me. They teach us the equations, on the 5th of May by heart, the names of the seven kings of Rome, and no one clarifies us how to face fears, how to accept disappointments, where to find the courage to bear pain.
And so it happens that those people who entered your life for the last time become the first in time of need, the first to listen to you and to worry if you really eat it you were friends for life. It happens that they amaze you and make you feel special with the smallest precautions. On the contrary, those you know live at any moment seem like they don’t know you at all. Do not sow if they notice what is most evident, or they simply will not see.
And Coraline cries,
Coraline has anxiety,
Coraline wants the sea
But he is afraid of water
And maybe the sea is inside her.
And every word is an ax,
A cut on the back,
Like a raft that sails
In a raging river
And maybe the river is inside her.

PANIC ATTACK

A panic attack causes certain specific symptoms such as tachycardia and the feeling of having a heart attack, wheezing and cold sweats. When you try it for the first time and arrive in the emergency room, not knowing what is happening to you, doctors mislead the conversation by talking about stress as if the word panic were taboo. However, panic often comes with images, sometimes at the same time of the day and sometimes as a surprise. The attack of anguish is very different. It is as if a hole is opened in the diaphragm and this is about to absorb all the vital strenght. All you can do is lie down and wait for it to pass. There is no tachycardia and no images or sweats. Just the feeling that something inside you is about to be absorbed or poisoned. I describe this distinction because they are such profound personal experiences that after so many years I can distinguish them well. I have seen, reading many texts, that hardly anyone ever talks about images referring to states of anxiety. I do not know if research has been done in this regard but I have not found any feedback. Yet in me the attacks have always been preceded by images, blurred, but which were repeated every time.

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