We have called "time" the fact that we see things changing in only one direction. If you take an egg and crack it to make an omelet, it won't come back no matter what you do. Everything in the universe started from a single point of energy where every single thing that exists now existed, and it started to expand, this led to more and more change of this kind (called entropy) where we go from very ordered systems (see a point) towards messy systems (a cracked egg). In the case of the universe, it will lead to a universe with only atoms scattered around.
The other thing we see is the arrow of time, and the fact that everything goes towards what we have called the "future". Nothing can ever ever ever go back.

What humans have invented are systems to measure all of this and concepts to define them.

No, time doesn't always flow the same way, there are days that are so thoughtful, but so heavy that you carry them on even when they're gone. That time keeps flowing inside you even if it doesn't flow outside anymore.

I think it happens even to the best to crumple their life as if it were an old sheet of paper, a bad copy of something we consider important, words that are sought to describe the beauty of an emotion, but too ephemeral to reveal the perfection of a concept.

It happened to me too.

I lost control of myself relating to others. I lost it slowly, like when we let go of a rope because we can't handle the weight of our fears. I've lost it every time I've been disappointed, hurt, abandoned by who I thought was my "forever". I lost it and never looked for it again. For a long time. I just let it go. I let it go and sat at the bottom of the abyss becoming someone I hated.

Then I took several planes to random destinations: Venice, Milan, Amsterdam, London, Paris. And everywhere I let go of feelings I was tired of feeling. I abandoned my bad days, long faces, meaningless nervousness and even apathy. And even though I didn't realize it, I found it. It was hidden in every spontaneous laugh, in every heartbeat that got a little more intense, in every drop of rain that fell on my face, in the grains of sand that slipped from my hands, in a sincere hug that I wore like a blanket. He was there staring at me and I didn't recognize him. My ego has become a silent travel companion and can't wait to be reunited with me.


The space outside of me is immense, and I feel so small. Your distance is immense. You know, sometimes I spend my days trying to breathe, because since you’re gone, even breathing has become tiring. At first it was difficult to stifle the tears. They appeared suddenly, flaring up in my ordinary life; do you know how difficult it was to hide the streaked face among the people in the train carriages? Trying not to look crazy, to pretend everything was fine? As the days went by, I tried to shelter my heart from sadness, and try not to think about it. But do you know what the absurd thing is? It’s that I also miss the nostalgia I have for you. Then I feel guilty for not thinking about it again, and if I can’t fill my immense empty space with you, then I will do it with my lack of you, Lacks have a weight, they know of that love we promised each other, of those stories we told each other, of the violence with which we said goodbye for the second time, We are ashes again, and I don’t know if there will be the phoenix again. Since you are no longer there I feel lost, because my emotions no longer have a recipient. I try to live, to smile, to blend in with the rest and try to be part of it to the fullest. But it is in the heart of my nights that I realize that all this is not enough for me, that all this is not enough. A small part of you would satisfy me more than the whole cosmology. I would like to hate you because you didn’t realize what we could have been. All that love, all that respect, the laughter, the time zones, the furious quarrels, our pride, my insecurities, your coldness, the nights in Paris, the bites on the lips that smell of life … if I think of everything this and all we could have done again, anger rises in my heart. It was all taken away from me too soon. The time I was allowed to love you was too short but love has no countdown. You told me I want to love you but I cannot love, and I accepted it because we are a contradiction. And contradicting myself, I tell you that even if the fire of my hatred towards you is brighter, my love for you is still brighter.

%d bloggers like this: