COVERT NARCISIST

Unlike overt narcissists (overts), coverts appear shy and inhibited, sometimes depressed, and always overly concerned with the judgment of others. They lack the drive for realization typical of classic narcissism and therefore lead gray lives while attributing their failure to others, to "life", secretly harboring feelings of anger and deep envy.

They cultivate unconfessable fantasies of glory, superiority and success, but, unlike the "overts", the hidden narcissists manifest experiences of inferiority that make them susceptible to the slightest criticism.

Often they undertake artistic paths or studies considered socially prestigious without results, given the superficiality of their commitment. However, they do not give up the label of "writer", "musician" or future "lawyer" even when, with all evidence, they will never succeed in their intent.

The appearance of "damned", of injured chicks, of "victims of life" can deceive those who fall in love with covert narcissists and plunge them into the gears of emotional dependence that revolve around the need to help the frustrated partner. The coverts react to the love and dedication of the other with reluctance to change and respond through the incessant trauma of silence, emotional inhibition and depressive withdrawal, up to the unpredictable abandonment inflicted on the partner as an unconscious "retaliation" of the own failures.

Akthar (1989) emphasizes that covert narcissists are "unable to stay in love" and experience the difference in interests and values ​​of which the other is a healthy bearer with extreme difficulty and discomfort. The inability to tolerate subjectivities other than their own is one of the reasons why coverts are unable to stay in a relationship for long: they fall out of love overnight and for this reason they are ultimately as destructive and pathologizing as overts.

In fact, together with their own narcissism, these subjects hide aggression, contempt, personal failure and the impossibility of loving in a system of progressive relational sabotage completely incomprehensible for the partner, who remains entangled in the sense of guilt and inadequacy without sensing the serious abuse and neglect to which it is subjected.

The drama of emotional dependence with a hidden narcissist is accentuated by the almost total unawareness with which the covert experiences the relationship and their feelings, an unawareness that prevents the victim from becoming aware of what is happening and of those in front of him.
You call and he doesn't answer. He does not call back, or call back when he wants. You send text messages that seem to get lost in the maze of Machiavellian unpredictability, then, after hours or days, insipid and telegraphic replies arrive.
Show callousness, coldness, and sincere disappointment at the slightest request to commit to the relationship. It is capable of overwhelming "leaps", but they last that half hour that you "make love" or so. Then again cryptic, fickle and confusing communications mix with increasingly dry silences.
And if you are bold enough to move on, if instead of urgently and definitively interrupting the relationship, you continue, everything else comes: the devaluation, the aggression, the constant feeling of precariousness and danger, the pathological jealousy, the desperation of the chase and of derision.
These are the typical phenomena of the relationship with a perverse narcissist, a man who, often beyond his own awareness, acts in a destructive way and pushes his partner into the spiral of emotional dependence.
Initially, therefore, the narcissist sells himself very well to the empath, pretending to be a victim, asking for help and emotional support, or showing himself admirable and valiant. The empath may fall in love or simply feel affection and compassion for the character played by the narcissus, and then will put his energies into what seems to him a just cause, becoming the primary source of narcissistic nourishment, even after the narcissist has stopped acting. the wonderful initial character.

When the empath becomes a victim of the narcissus, he is reduced to the rank of co-dependent.

The empath tends to be naive and makes an incredible effort to understand the fact that there are people without scruples, ethics, good feelings and morals. So he will try in every way to keep the slices of salami over his eyes and not to notice the discrepancies between the fabulous character played by the narcissus and the real, horrible being that transpires here and there as the relationship with the narcissus proceeds.

The empath tries desperately to continue to believe in the existence of that wonderful person, otherwise all his beliefs will prove wrong and the world will collapse on him.

Meanwhile, the narcissus blames his own misdeeds on the empath, who according to him does not provide him with enough love and adoration and who knows what else: otherwise, he argues, the narcissus would be serene and would continue to be the wonderful person of the early days.

The empath believes in it and takes all the blame for the problems of the narcissus and the relationship. Then he is convinced that to heal the situation, he or she must give, give more and more, until he is totally drained.

At this point, the empath generally ends up on the verge of suicide or self-destructive behaviors, and the narcissus gets rid of it as soon as it finds a new, fresh and "juicy" victim.

Moral: if you are an empath, stay away from daffodils. All the more so if you have a history of codependency or narcissistic parents. Read, get informed, learn how to recognize them and how to manage them, learn to take care of yourself and above all to dedicate your empathy to worthy causes.

Not everything and everyone must be helped; channel your gifts of sensitivity and compassion into a suitable job or volunteer, rather. And practice discerning and saying no.

WHISPERS AND SCREAMS

Scream. I scream and I don’t feel. My cries are muffled in my pain. My stomach screams, my liver screams, my heart screams. Every single part of me screams, and the brain doesn’t hear. My head doesn’t let screams in. He keeps worrying about everything that happens around me, as if I cared about it later. But she prefers to listen to what the world has to say, maybe someone needs to be comforted. What does it matter if there is a mess inside me when I can solve someone else’s mess? And who solves mine? Nobody. Opening up has never been my strong point, at least not in words. Whoever looks me in the eye and observes me, knows what I feel. The pain, the joy, the sadness. But these people are few. And of these, half abandon you because you are too messed up and / or find better. But how can you leave after having known every strength and weakness of the other? The screams are not heard at all. And not everyone is able to understand them. But who can do it, where does he find the courage to abandon that person and feed his inner screams? And how can that person make their brain listen to screams? It is impossible to save yourself.
Or maybe one simply finds himself sitting undressed in the living room armchair in the middle of the night and, surprisingly, is captured by a horrible, corrosive perception of everything that has brought him to that point in his life, the hopes of childhood, lost friends, missed appointments, broken hearts, and yells at anyone who can listen to him, begs for everything to end, calls for a solution, for the program to be interrupted and not to proceed for even one more minute.
I know how you are. You try to look strong in all situations, but no one knows that when you are alone for a minute, your world collapses like a house of cards moved by the wind. You don’t know whether to scream, cry or break something. You have a mixture of emotions so damn strong that you feel bursting inside, but on the outside you seem happy like everyone else. I know you try to take refuge in music, but sometimes even that doesn’t lift your spirits. I would like you to remember, that no matter how difficult life may seem, you will always have the strength to overcome any moment, any adversity, anything!

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