ALL THINGS ABOUT LOVE WE KNOW

Some time ago I was in my room and among other things I was reflecting on love, or rather on how we expect romantic love to be, on how they told us it should be and on how it really is. Ever since we are little they tell us more or less implicitly that love coincides with falling in love; the irrepressible physical attraction, the pupils that dilate, I want us to do bullshit after bullshit on bullshit to show our feeling to the person we are falling in love with. All these things in the collective imagination are love, then everything is seasoned with the idea that in the universe there is a person who completes us and with whom things are easy. Still, the more you grow up, the more shit is not true. The fact is that after a certain number of relationships, more or less adult, more or less lasting, you realize that it does not work according to that implicit idea you had of love, which in fact coincides with passion, with infatuation, and above all that that first year, those first years when everything is easy, do not last; and when that feeling of lightness and fluffiness disappear, we all find ourselves disoriented like ‘but is it really all over?’. Whether it happens after a couple of months or after a couple of years, the result is always the same. Suddenly all the excitement that enveloped the relationship with the other disappears and in its place there is an emptiness that then and then also seems worrying and that we believe is also for this reason that when we think about our past relationships, many times we fail to explain them. How many people have wondered ‘how did I manage to be with that person? What did I find in that person? ‘ The fact is that we are still pushed to throw ourselves into relationships to chase that dream there, the one where all things stop being monotonous out of the blue. We fall in love and the routine no longer seems heavy, the world seems to have secrets that we did not know before; but is love really that thing there?
Not that it is absolutely wrong to look for butterflies in the stomach, but I think it is better to confuse butterflies with what in reality is love, which we fear is much more like a deep friendship rather than a situation of perennial chemistry to celebrate. altered. Several years ago, when I was 16, I was talking to a 40-year-old writer who had just broken up with his partner after a dozen years of engagement, and I asked him if falling in love had lasted so long; I mean, 12 years is an eternity of time to be in love. And he looked at me for a moment and replied ‘absolutely not. I began to love this person the moment I stopped being in love with him. For the first time in my life after that moment, I seemed to be able to really see her, to spend time with her without being distracted by the irrationality of falling in love ‘. At the time I didn’t understand it very well, in fact it seemed like a phrase from my grandmother, and I said ‘fuck but how is it possible, what is another reason that can push two people to be together besides the romantic urgency?’ The fact is that in my opinion, after a bit of experience, this writer I had talked to was right. Infatuation can be felt towards 1000 different people, people who at some point will turn out to be wrong, not because they are absolutely wrong but maybe because they are wrong for us. Maybe the life they live is not really the one that goes well with ours. Maybe over time it turns out that worldviews are too different and so on. The infatuation in all of this has a time that can be more or less short but that surely ends at some point. So when I was in my room and I was thinking about this thing, I came to the conclusion that infatuation is cool, but that it also has very little to do with love. Love is perhaps just that feeling that one also feels towards friends or family, that kind of low and loving hum that pervades the time you spend with someone, the beauty of being in silence while being together, accompanying each other while doing the shopping, accompanying each other to do boring things without expecting fun, but with the sole purpose of taking care, sometimes, even with the ability to get bored together.
I was thinking about how important and useful it would be to have a slightly deeper vision of love and therefore to see life in a less distressing way. Infatuation is beautiful, but with the expectations and promises it brings with it it becomes distressing, premises like the idea that the desire lasts forever, that the other person is always perfect, that being together will never be disappointing, making long-term plans and so on. If you confuse infatuation with love, then you experience the infatuation itself badly which by its nature should be kept light and shiny; ‘What if the other leaves us, if all of a sudden he changes his mind, if at a certain point he doesn’t love us anymore?’. The fact is that infatuation does not necessarily imply love, unconditional affection, complete acceptance: love, familiarity and affection do. And if that kind of intimacy has developed between two people, it will certainly not be discovered in the first months, in the first years, and that writer is probably right; it turns out that you love and only when you stop being in love.




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