THIS IS MY WAY

I stared at him, but only for an instant, the time to cross that blue sea that always put me in awe. I felt like a thief caught in fragrant, guilty of that strange addiction I now had on his face. It was like a drug, I couldn’t do without it, and it was never enough. Greedy, I always wanted more, but you know the effect of being toxic to something or someone: it never ends well. And that’s what I repeated to myself, like a mantra, every time, so as not to fall for it: “Don’t get lost in those eyes”. I took a deep breath, staring at an indefinite point. Every cell in my body was on high alert and was screaming “Send it away”. While the heart remained in absolute peace, in its little corner of paradise, there in the center of the chest, where at every beat it seemed to mark its name.
I squeezed into the seat of the black Honda as the road passed fast below us. I checked out of the corner of my eye to see if he was looking at me, but at that very moment, I saw him go into the fast lane to pass an off-road vehicle ahead of us. I took courage, taking advantage of his moment of distraction, while the words came out of my mouth without any control, as if I hadn’t been the one to pronounce them: << Why did you want to see me? >>. I felt his eyes on me, incessant, violent, as if they wanted to dig inside me. I kept my gaze down, helpless now, outraged by his implicit irreverence. << I needed it >>. << What do you mean you needed it? >>. I realized I had almost screamed, exasperated. I lowered my voice, not even giving him time to reply. << You need oxygen, water. You need to feed, to sleep. Not people. Those, you simply want them or you don’t want them. And you don’t want me >>. << This is where you’re wrong >>.
I felt a butterfly go through my stomach. Her breathing slowed as her heart pounded inside. I replied with pride, as always, when I was too afraid.
<< You’re just lying. If you needed me, you’d hold me tight. If you needed me, you would save me >>
<< I’m already saving you. From me >>
<< You can’t. It’s too late >>.
<< I don’t know how to be there as you deserve. I’d give you a sunny day and then you’re dark. And you need to shine. You shouldn’t waste time with me. I’d just hurt you >>.
<< You do more to me by staying still, there in the prison that you built. How many brick walls will you still put between you and the world? How long will you be convinced that you are the bad guy, the one who only knows how to destroy? >>.
<< I don’t know how to love anymore, my friend >>.
<< I’ll teach you >>
<< It wouldn’t work. I would hurt you >>.
<< You are a coward. Stop being afraid of you, of us. Undo those damn chains. I have no more air and you don’t kiss me. Tell me why >>.
<< I can not keep anyone next. It’s like you have cold inside. And how can, who is snow, give warmth? Have you wondered? Do you think I would warm you up, that I would be able to always look at you with the same eyes? I would begin to feel cramped in our world. I would invent an alternative route along which to escape. I would treat you badly. I would let you slip away from me, until the day you could no longer bear my silences. Is this what you want in your life? >>.
His breathing was labored, perhaps desperate, as lost as he was. I was exhausted too, but I couldn’t give up.
<< I ask you again: Why did you want to see me? >>
<< For the dimple >>
<< What? >>
<< When you smile, a dimple appears on your right cheek. But you have to be careful and notice it right away, because often then you bite your lip and the dimple disappears. So I stay there like a fool trying to make you laugh, to see her again >>.
<< You can not claim that you need to see me and drag me here at 3 am for a dimple. Tell me what game are you playing >>
<< And then sometimes, instead of biting your lip, you touch your hair; but don’t twist them, just brush them, and lower your eyes. And you can see that you are embarrassed, so you try to hide it, but when you get embarrassed you laugh, and here is the dimple again. How to return to the starting point. And I would like to ask you to continue each time, but then I remain silent. So you look at me and you start thinking, and I wonder what is on your mind, what universe you have inside. But I don’t understand it.
Here it is.>>
Tonight I was thinking about it and I wondered if I was with someone, if I had that look of someone who is focused and is thinking about something. And a strange thing happened: I wondered if sometimes I too was among those thoughts, because I wanted it. And I never care about these things. I turned away anyone who was holding me in mind. I didn’t want to be in there. I waged wars to get out when they wanted to lock me up.
And instead tonight I would have sat there in your mind.
<< Would you ever believe it? >>.
I opened my mouth to reply, but only silence came out. I wanted to say everything and nothing, then everything again. I reached out to his hand slowly. The more he walked, the more intimidated I was. I first put my index finger to caress the contours of his fingers, then the whole hand. I held hers, tighter and tighter. << I teach you to love. You teach me not to be afraid >>.

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