BEING VICTIMS OF LOVE

They use other women to create competition and jealousy in their partner.

Exes can usually be placed by the narcissist in one of two categories:

fall in love with me
crazy.
The "crazy" exes are the ones who have seen through the psychopath's lies, have woken up and therefore refuse to take part in his perverse games again. These have not been left, but they have freed themselves, healed and definitively distanced themselves from the perverse. For this reason they are "crazy" in the eyes of the narcissist and are discredited in front of anyone.

The "in love with me" partners are those who believe they can still have some special role in the life of the psychopath / narcissist, they are still succubus and mostly in trauma bonding. When the psychopath moves away from the victim of the moment, he will recycle these old goals and convince them that they can still be soulmates.

By restarting the cycle of abuse, which will be shorter and more humiliating with these.

Why, though, do so many women fall into the narcissist's trap? Certainly for the very skilled mimetic abilities, reflecting the desires - lovebombing phase - typical of disturbed personalities, but not only.

Women approached by the toxic individual can react in different ways. Accept the stage of idealization and then, at the first signs of abuse, walk away. Or, and this is our case, they stay long enough to make them fall into the trap and become addictive and biochemically induced.
Many of us, especially the younger ones, have also had winning female role models to identify with, or losing models to walk away from. This has meant that many women have developed a strong ego, have achieved success, have increased their self-esteem

What I would like you to focus on is the fact that, regardless of successes and strength gained, almost all women have the internal image of the strong, protective, savior prince.
Jung would speak of animus, that is, the unconscious male part present in every woman. Here, this obviously unconscious part is characterized by the power characteristics mentioned above.

The speech is long, but I will only say that the companion that many of us seek is the strong warrior who protects.

We come to us: How does the narcissist show himself at the beginning of the relationship? It shows itself like this. Nurturing, attentive, protective, strong, in control, authoritative, loving but firm, paternal ...

This is why you can fall into the web of lies of manipulative people while being strong women.

In an incomparable way they know how to awaken the child and bring back to light the unconscious image of the "father".
When the narcissist decides to discard his victims he begins to use a technique also known as punitive silence or silence treatment. In short, he does not make himself heard, he does not let himself be traced, in the most serious cases he blocks the victim and obviously does not show himself.

The problem with this behavior is that it happens without any kind of explanation, or rather, without any kind of satisfactory explanation. The victim, in fact, in the devaluation phase will certainly have tried to recover the recoverable, seeking communication and confrontation. Obviously these will never arrive and in case some answer is received, it was certainly not the decisive one.
As mentioned, the narcissist wants the victim to be dependent on him even when he is not present. This means that he has done his job in the best possible way by becoming a very powerful ascendant. So how should the victim react? What is the best way not to succumb to this kind of behavior?

Simply ignoring. The narcissist should not be given the satisfaction that he has made it, even if in most cases, he always does. You don't have to point it out to him, you don't have to look for it and you have to use every means of communication carefully. Blocking the naricist on social networks is a very delicate key, it is correct to block him on social networks or whatsapp to limit contact with him in every way. But you only have to do it when you are sure you can do it! If for example it is blocked and after a few months unblocked because you feel nostalgia for it or any other reason that leads to this action, you are giving it unparalleled power.

It is like serving him his dignity on a silver platter, he will use it again to prostrate the victim and is turning his hand a little more. So, to block it and totally eliminate it from social networks you have to be sure you can do it, otherwise it's better not to do it. You can use other methods such as the function of hiding its updates or the function of facebook "take a break". He will not notice anything and the victim will be "saved".

 

COVERT NARCISIST

Unlike overt narcissists (overts), coverts appear shy and inhibited, sometimes depressed, and always overly concerned with the judgment of others. They lack the drive for realization typical of classic narcissism and therefore lead gray lives while attributing their failure to others, to "life", secretly harboring feelings of anger and deep envy.

They cultivate unconfessable fantasies of glory, superiority and success, but, unlike the "overts", the hidden narcissists manifest experiences of inferiority that make them susceptible to the slightest criticism.

Often they undertake artistic paths or studies considered socially prestigious without results, given the superficiality of their commitment. However, they do not give up the label of "writer", "musician" or future "lawyer" even when, with all evidence, they will never succeed in their intent.

The appearance of "damned", of injured chicks, of "victims of life" can deceive those who fall in love with covert narcissists and plunge them into the gears of emotional dependence that revolve around the need to help the frustrated partner. The coverts react to the love and dedication of the other with reluctance to change and respond through the incessant trauma of silence, emotional inhibition and depressive withdrawal, up to the unpredictable abandonment inflicted on the partner as an unconscious "retaliation" of the own failures.

Akthar (1989) emphasizes that covert narcissists are "unable to stay in love" and experience the difference in interests and values ​​of which the other is a healthy bearer with extreme difficulty and discomfort. The inability to tolerate subjectivities other than their own is one of the reasons why coverts are unable to stay in a relationship for long: they fall out of love overnight and for this reason they are ultimately as destructive and pathologizing as overts.

In fact, together with their own narcissism, these subjects hide aggression, contempt, personal failure and the impossibility of loving in a system of progressive relational sabotage completely incomprehensible for the partner, who remains entangled in the sense of guilt and inadequacy without sensing the serious abuse and neglect to which it is subjected.

The drama of emotional dependence with a hidden narcissist is accentuated by the almost total unawareness with which the covert experiences the relationship and their feelings, an unawareness that prevents the victim from becoming aware of what is happening and of those in front of him.
You call and he doesn't answer. He does not call back, or call back when he wants. You send text messages that seem to get lost in the maze of Machiavellian unpredictability, then, after hours or days, insipid and telegraphic replies arrive.
Show callousness, coldness, and sincere disappointment at the slightest request to commit to the relationship. It is capable of overwhelming "leaps", but they last that half hour that you "make love" or so. Then again cryptic, fickle and confusing communications mix with increasingly dry silences.
And if you are bold enough to move on, if instead of urgently and definitively interrupting the relationship, you continue, everything else comes: the devaluation, the aggression, the constant feeling of precariousness and danger, the pathological jealousy, the desperation of the chase and of derision.
These are the typical phenomena of the relationship with a perverse narcissist, a man who, often beyond his own awareness, acts in a destructive way and pushes his partner into the spiral of emotional dependence.
Initially, therefore, the narcissist sells himself very well to the empath, pretending to be a victim, asking for help and emotional support, or showing himself admirable and valiant. The empath may fall in love or simply feel affection and compassion for the character played by the narcissus, and then will put his energies into what seems to him a just cause, becoming the primary source of narcissistic nourishment, even after the narcissist has stopped acting. the wonderful initial character.

When the empath becomes a victim of the narcissus, he is reduced to the rank of co-dependent.

The empath tends to be naive and makes an incredible effort to understand the fact that there are people without scruples, ethics, good feelings and morals. So he will try in every way to keep the slices of salami over his eyes and not to notice the discrepancies between the fabulous character played by the narcissus and the real, horrible being that transpires here and there as the relationship with the narcissus proceeds.

The empath tries desperately to continue to believe in the existence of that wonderful person, otherwise all his beliefs will prove wrong and the world will collapse on him.

Meanwhile, the narcissus blames his own misdeeds on the empath, who according to him does not provide him with enough love and adoration and who knows what else: otherwise, he argues, the narcissus would be serene and would continue to be the wonderful person of the early days.

The empath believes in it and takes all the blame for the problems of the narcissus and the relationship. Then he is convinced that to heal the situation, he or she must give, give more and more, until he is totally drained.

At this point, the empath generally ends up on the verge of suicide or self-destructive behaviors, and the narcissus gets rid of it as soon as it finds a new, fresh and "juicy" victim.

Moral: if you are an empath, stay away from daffodils. All the more so if you have a history of codependency or narcissistic parents. Read, get informed, learn how to recognize them and how to manage them, learn to take care of yourself and above all to dedicate your empathy to worthy causes.

Not everything and everyone must be helped; channel your gifts of sensitivity and compassion into a suitable job or volunteer, rather. And practice discerning and saying no.

DEEP SOCIAL

It is terribly difficult to grow up in the age of the internet. Adolescence is a phase of continuous struggle between the id – our most child part, linked to pleasure – and the superego – our most mature part, linked to the rules. Internet, social media, video games are intentionally developed with the aim of satisfying, feeding our most childlike part, as with a colored candy that acts as a bait when our Superego tells us to study, to work, to put in order the room. The easy pleasure, the one promised by our mobile phones: a pleasure made up of shorter and shorter waits, almost nil, before reaching what we feel to be a goal; goals that are easier and therefore more attractive than those of the real world, which require commitment and perseverance – these are attributes that we do not want to invest. If growing up means becoming capable of commitment, constancy – in our sentimental, social and working life – then how can we grow if we are accustomed to fast and free pleasures?
Why is love so hard? Why if two people love each other aren’t they together? Why do we say big words and then prove nothing? We are all so afraid, afraid of the consequences, of what will happen next, when we should just think less, say all that goes through our heads. If it was your last five minutes now, what would you do? Where would you go? And above all, who would you go to? Simple…. You would go to the person you love, to his house to tell him everything you feel for him, to confess all your secrets, all the unspoken things, but these things we should always do, even if it is difficult. Love consumes you, wears you out inside, destroys you but at the same time makes you alive, gives you strength and all the most beautiful emotions in the world. We should simply once and for all strip ourselves of fear and open our hearts to the person we love. Let’s do it once and for all.
One day, a person I cared about froze me with three words: “you are too busy for me”. As a good empath I put myself in her shoes, wondering what was wrong with me. I asked myself a thousand other questions. And then I came to the answer. Everything that is important and profound is challenging, and most people now prefer the surface, the one that does not require effort. We are in the era of “I love you” said every month to a different person, of lightning relationships, of superficial dialogues. Yet one day I realized that there is nothing wrong with wanting and being everything. And I want someone who is everything. Because I don’t mind what is called “challenging”: I can swim in the depths, it is on the surface that I drown. “

STRINGS

I will vibrate the strings of your life, be in perennial tachcardia, in the end suck what you have to the marrow, don’t back down, don’t be afraid to take risks, don’t be afraid to throw yourself, make love as many times as you can, love and hate, but be light, laugh, cry, wipe him tears and be quick to ride and drop anchor; jump, jump as high as you can try to touch the sky, to step on the clouds, taste them and tell me if they taste like cotton candy, try to fly, spread your wings, tip to the stars and don’t be scared if you fall, you will take off again and so, again and again, you will fly.
It will be true that music makes our hearts vibrate but silence makes the beats skip, imperceptible palpitations and stillness. turn off the world, listen to the ghosts you carry inside. Who doesn’t have some ghost that they live with? We all have the famous skeletons in the closet, finding it depends only on the depth of the latter. hear the sound of your blood pumping into your heart, love moves under pressure.
And in the end I just have to lock myself inside my six strings, put them in front of me and look at the world through these singing bars, hear the echoes in the sound box that becomes my prison, my cell. Scream my pain to the world through the notes, only a few will understand, many will feel them as notes to themselves, the whole story of my life, my emotions and my feelings will not reach them. Also because making a string vibrate is something very personal, and fortunately few can understand my vibrations.
Dear me, I am writing to you because sometimes the courage you have is not enough for you. Do not give up. You know you can only count on your own strength. What are you still amazed at? You have learned to walk alone, to get up on your own … and you have long since stopped believing in others. Despite the mistakes you’ve made, you’ve never pulled back, you’ve never regretted, you’ve never looked for excuses… and now don’t apologize to anyone! You know how to smile like few others, because that smile never has ulterior motives, it always starts from your heart even when that heart explodes in your chest. Listen to me at least this time… don’t let anyone turn it off or even turn you off. LIVE because regrets are worse than death. LIVE AND FORGET because you don’t need anyone to feel peaceful. LIVE, FORGET AND LEARN: most people know the value of things and treat people as objects, as folds, as if they were nothing … you don’t … you know the value of emotions, even those that you pretended not to have . Live by getting excited about the little things, the little gestures, every detail that makes the difference between what is past, and can never come back, and a future that awaits you and that you deserve to live smiling as you may not have done yet.

LET’S SMILE TOGETHER

PEEK A BOOP

We love each other very much, it’s the only thing that comes to my mind because it doesn’t matter, it’s kept and played with them, it’s made in every way to ride! It doesn’t explain anything, I like you, you make me fucking good! I have never been so good with someone, I want to know you better, I want to see who you really are, I want to be able to hug you when I want without anyone talking about us, I want to be able to talk to you about everything, scratch you, kiss you a thousand Important to me, I want to be able to say hello as it should be with a nice kiss and not a simple hello when it happens, you are a fantastic person you have a world inside and I want to discover every corner of you, you and I are not friends, two who if we are guarded as guardians we will not be able just be friends, we will do everything possible, we will talk to them and we will not be with them .. I love my husband so much, and I love him so much, he alone with me. something that I don’t think I can manage, I’m afraid of suffering, of still being hurt and now of being sick another time I don’t want to, but I know one thing, you do me good yes you do me really good, please we let’s build something, beat these walls of fear and pride and become what we are not now.
Anxiety is your mood that changes in a matter of minutes. Anxiety means uncontrollable tremors and spasms. Anxiety is tears, it is real and painful tears. Anxiety is nausea. Anxiety is paralyzing. Anxiety is dark. Anxiety is having to find one excuse after another for your behavior. Anxiety is fear. Anxiety is worry. Anxiety drains your body and your emotions. Anxiety is raw. Anxiety is real. Anxiety means arguing with your partner even though you are not angry. Anxiety is a jolt at every slightest annoyance. Anxiety is made up of flashbacks. Anxiety is an “What if …”. Anxiety is full of “What’s wrong?” and I do not know”.
I had to understand that right away. When someone has a heart like mine, they end up dying before death itself. When someone has a heart like mine, the heart loses it, loses it in unspoken words, loses beats in sighs, loses itself as the tears flow and no one stops them. When someone has a heart like mine and gives it to someone, they never find themselves again.
I looked at it as you look at something you already know we will miss. Too good to last, to be true, too good to become a habit. I looked at it as you look at the sea at the end of summer, when the days become even clearer and the sun shines in the sky. I just looked at you, and you smiled at me. Do not forget certain smiles, certain looks and certain words.
Maybe one of us had to make a decision and maybe it was right that whoever was stronger among us made it. My psychologist once told me: “You can’t love the cause of your own destruction and your own suffering, it’s crazy!” I lost with you, but I won with myself.

DANCING ON THE SAND

I’m not ready to let go of summer. I long for the sea, for salt on my skin, for promises whispered under the stars, for a pink sky that brings new days. I want salty kisses good to eat, songs sung around a bonfire with guitars in hand, hugs that warm the heart and make you forget all problems, all thoughts. I want to wait for the dawn full of dreams, of laughter under the moon, to dance barefoot on the beach. Because summer always brings new wonders, special loves made of salt and shells, of stars and sand, of brushed lips and intertwined hands. Clothes become light and so do thoughts. In summer everything changes flavor, in summer everything is possible. The sea that caresses the skin, the fireflies that light up the nights, the hugs that take your breath away and are good for the heart, the shooting stars full of desires, the taste of salt on the lips, those stolen kisses that heal every wound. In summer you can breathe love and your eyes are filled with dreams. Summer is made for wonder.
I think that one of the best moments of relationships between two people is the first period, when you are getting to know each other and there is already confidence but it is still a mystery, there are the news, the smiles in front of the screen and the desire to see each other constantly, unexpected compliments, gestures made with care, sacrifices, help, always wanting to touch each other, discover each other, understand what the other likes, slowness, seriousness and light jokes. then the force goes away. there are no reasons. you stop tuning your heart and soul. there are no more mysteries and you need news. you have to ask why it is no longer given to you spontaneously, there are no more surprises with small gestures, you forget to respond to messages, you no longer get excited, you no longer want to contact, you feel that everything is forced, conversations and sentences seem like a copy of the copy of the copy of the conversation from the other day, you no longer see the spontaneity you have always wanted to experience, you no longer want to run. you drag everything. talk about it. wait. hope for novelty. it never comes. keep waiting
I seem to see my life unfold from a disturbed television. I feel very far from this world. almost foreign in this body. as if every happy memory was washed out of my mind. I close my eyes and can’t remember what it feels like to be happy. my chest falls back into my stomach at the thought of having to get up in the morning and pretend not to go out slowly again. I want to reach out and touch things, and I want to feel them touch me in turn. I want to live. I want the vitality of my life back.
I’ve always had a big flaw; boredom. I’ve always been bored with everything; things, places, people. I walked away from a lot of people out of boredom, because I have always been of the opinion that those who had to be close to me had to enrich me, fill me up, upset my brain and soul. I’ve always loved unexpected things, people who are different or the same as me who set my head on fire in some way. I hated my character many times because I sent people away because of him and the excuse of ‘I’m like that’ cannot always hold. So I tell you that I live my life to set myself on fire and I want people beside me who can set me on fire. Everything bores me, except fire.
Life is like dance. Life is a dance, but you cannot choose to stop from it. Dance like life will inevitably give you pain and fatigue, it will involve sacrifices, sacrifices and difficulties. It will disappoint you at times, when you won’t be able to take a step properly, or when you don’t get that place within the choreography you expected, just as life will disappoint you, at times, when things don’t go as you hoped, when even though he has put his whole heart into something, it will not come true. So in dance as in life you need a little luck, you need physical qualities such as instep, elasticity, dynamics, coordination, and some dancers are more fortunate than others to have them, but the desire to do comes where talent cannot go. Those who commit themselves, those who have willpower, passion, dedication and perseverance, go much further than those who have great natural gifts but lack these qualities. And so in life there will always be someone luckier, better, but only those who do not give up and always work with the heart to achieve real results. In dance as in life, you must also learn to let yourself go, if you concentrate too much on your steps, if you only think not to make mistakes, you lose the music, you waste time. You have to abandon yourself to the sound and let yourself be guided by it, and so in life, sometimes, it is necessary to stop thinking, stop your head and let your heart free, let yourself go and let yourself live. Each dance hall is full of mirrors, certainly not to exalt the vanity of the dancers, but because in dance as in life it is necessary to learn to know each other, to look at each other, to accept each other in everything that characterizes us, trying every day to become better, not others, but of ourselves. Because when you get on that stage and your song starts, you forget all the pains, all the sacrifices, all the disappointments, all the hours spent trying to improve the detail, and you just think about being happy. And so in life every wound, every suffering and every renunciation, the moment you finally manage to see realized what you have fought so much for, vanishes into thin air. Try to dance, on stage, in front of an audience, in a crowd, or on the street, at the supermarket when your favorite song passes by, or even alone in your room with headphones, but try to dance, learn to dance, it will seem to have learned a little more to live.

WRITING

We ebook writers are not considered. Not only are ebooks still a small slice of the publishing market but they are also marginalized when it comes to large publishing. We are not valued, we are not interviewed, we are not really considered, despite our valid presence in the field of female fiction. It is absurd that in 2020 ebooks are still outside the publishing environment and competitions. When I read about some expensive creative writing courses I feel like screaming. I was for a short internship at Holden where I discovered “The Book Industry” and I refused to be part of it. I could have had contracts with big publishers but I said no. I could also have had the “push” from Camilleri, my fellow countryman, but I also refused this. And all this to help small publishers who have never even thanked me. I fight against the windmills every day because I’m not on facebook, I’m not on twitter, I’m not on intagram and tik tok … practically I don’t exist except on wordpress where I manage blogs. I’ve never written for money. I have not agreed to advertise on my blogs and I have never asked anyone to review me and I have never advertised myself. I’m naive in a world of hungry wolves trying to excel. And I see every day that people no longer reads many books, no longer leaves the house, does not want real relationships but only virtual ones and I … I am the opposite of this and I am isolated for my different ideas.

NEGLECTED WOMEN

Neglect in a relationship is no different than neglecting something or someone in general. It is a situation where you care very little or do not care about your partner at all.

Intentionally or unintentionally, avoiding someone’s needs leads to a feeling of physical or emotional absence, which can be felt by either partner in that relationship. Neglect is when you promise your woman something and do not keep up later.

When she needs to talk, are you mostly busy? When it’s her birthday or your anniversary, do you find it hard to remember the date? What about that time when she planned a candle light dinner, and you didn’t show up?

Neglect could also be about when you got promoted, or something big happened in your life, but you did not share it with her for whatever reason or rather forgot to tell her. Do you help her with household chores or share equal responsibility?

WHEN A RELATIONSHIP FAILS

I’m not a huge fan of the idea that men and women are fundamentally different in what they value and how they approach relationships.
To me, the ‘men are from Mars, women are from Venus’ mindset seems as outdated and irrelevant a way to understand men as ‘The Rules’ – the ones that say you should never call a guy, never accept a Saturday date after Wednesday, and in general, play hard to get. Both of them stem from books that were on the bestseller list more than twenty years ago; haven’t we come a long way since then?
Here’s the thing, though. The Rules work. And many men really do operate on a totally different playing field than women do, when it comes to relationships. As much as I’d like to deny it, and not to pigeonhole men and the way they behave, it’s true that there are certain things about men that seem to be true across the board. If you try to deny it, you’re likely to end up frustrated, with a string of failed relationships to show for it.
I’m not saying you have to subscribe to every theory out there about how men and women.

https://shesaid.com/understand-men-relationships-doomed-fail/

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