MY GRANDPA

My grandfather had strong, curious and courageous hands. It died slowly between a sigh of dawn and a triumph of sunset. He was the best playmate of my childhood, no matter how “crazy” my requests were: he didn’t judge, he didn’t warn, he was there. And now it’s gone. I will miss the loud laughter that gives me a stomach ache, the stinging comments on life, the spontaneous jokes. I miss not being able to steal the candy from my grandmother’s secret shelves, to laugh in silence when she – inevitably – discovered us. I will miss holding your hand as when, as a child, you were my coachman walking fast through the city paths. I don’t know where you are, what you do, if you can still hear me. I don’t know if you feel sad or happy up there among friends and relatives who have been saying goodbye to us for some time. If you can read my heart, keep pushing me, to believe in me, don’t let me run alone. You taught me that being kind is an act of courage and that taking care of someone is a gesture that must be done in silence. I’m sorry not to be able to answer the questions you will ask when one day a man comes into my life to stay: who is he? whose son is he? does he respect you? I would have liked to give you this joy, I would have liked to see you curious and indiscreet and I would have liked to laugh at your simple toasts made of coffee, biscuits and knowing looks hidden behind your dark glasses. There were so many things that I still wanted to know from you, there were so many things that I would have liked to share together in the simple way we had of speaking without making noise. I will forever miss the woman I would have become if you had stayed just one more day next to me. I was ready to say goodbye but I wasn’t at all. Rest and keep me.

OUR EDUCATION AS WOMEN

Unfortunately, from an early age, especially us women, they teach us that happiness is found only by finding another person to love, or who loves us, and this leads to a whole series of deviations from the path of well-being that sometimes become destructive for us or for others. The educational field should be enriched with this component which concerns the construction of self-esteem created by oneself and not by the contribution of others. Perhaps in this way we would avoid making many mistakes and always seeking in the other what we already have in ourselves. A long time ago, I was building inner bridges to reach out to others. To get closer to their world. I wanted at all costs to be part of it, to feel something, to be seen, to be friends with many. I envied those who had so many friends or acquaintances. Then I found out that it’s not a great thing to have friendships. In the end, you always have to reciprocate in some way. You have duties as with relatives. Then if you understand that they exploit you it is even worse. My presence has sometimes been used and that’s not a nice thing. Now I don’t build bridges to anyone anymore. I like it as it is. I believe it is better. They don’t disappoint me. I’m not looking for anything. I don’t have to reciprocate. I don’t have to feel compelled to do anything with anyone.

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