GYPSY

I let myself be plagiarized by the illusion of love, I let myself be lobotomized, I lost my willpower, I lost myself for a long time, many years, too many. Too many years trying to belong to something, a stable relationship that gives me the love that my father never gave me and I ended up attaching myself to a person like him, letting him disintegrate my ego. I looked for the family that I never had in anyone who said they were my friend and gave me a caress, and I ended up getting attached to people who spatial advice about my life without even knowing who I was because they never really looked at me. I gave each of them a gun and drew a target on them, obviously they didn’t hesitate to riddle me with bullets. I let myself go to the illusion of a normal life. But what is normal then? I do not know what it was that made me open my eyes, but today I am here, I let go of everything and everyone, I have turned the world against me, there are those who believe I am crazy because I have upset my “life”, they do not realize I realize it’s now that I’m healed. I feel my strength again, my anger towards the world, towards that pathetic conformity that I thought I needed. I’m taking back my life, my freedom of judgment, of thought. I do not need to belong to anyone or anything, I am enough and the rest is all a side dish. Today I feel I am in one place, tomorrow maybe not and that’s okay. Today I want to laugh with a person, maybe not tomorrow and that’s okay. I think only two people have really understood my essence, the first defined me like this before I lost myself, when I was a rock, the other defined me like this not a short time ago, perhaps because she saw my rebirth before me. Gypsy, that’s what I am. A Gypsy, free from conformity, free from chains, without roots and without a need to belong. A gypsy who embraces the world, who burns with life, who dances, who laughs, unpredictable and beautiful because she is alive and true. It’s not all right yet, I will have to work on myself, to send away those monsters who sometimes come back again because the process is long and it will be a journey without any comfort. But I will make it and I will rise again little by little, get ready because this Gypsy will return as powerful as the north wind and will overwhelm you all.

I WASN’T READY TO SEE YOU

I wasn’t ready to see you, but in saying it, or rather in writing it, I already somehow realize I’m lying to you. Actually I hadn’t wanted anything else for a long time, only that I didn’t dare to confess or rather I didn’t dare hope that life would offer me a new opportunity to see you. I know I have no right to say this because I have behaved terribly to you. If you wiped me from your mind you did very well, if you have a grudge against me, I can not help but understand. I disappeared from your life without a shred of justification. In hindsight, I can tell you that I was living in such a confused state that I was not aware of my actions. When an animal is afraid, what does it do? If it is strong enough it attacks, otherwise it flees. Or pretend to be dead. I couldn’t pretend I was dead because I had been inside for a long time. That’s why I ran away. I felt trapped. You wanted things from me that I was unable to give you. I was afraid of realizing too late that that step you were asking of me was a wrong step. Many ties may be wrecked because of this, because, in the wave of sentiment, one is captured by an enthusiasm that has nothing to do with reality. If we both fell into that trap, what would we do? We would have ended up biting each other like rats locked up in a cage that is too tight. At first they would have been gentle bites, warning bites but then, over time, we would have gotten to eat us and I loved you too much to drag you into a life you didn’t deserve. And then there was another ghost in my life. I felt you were becoming too important to me and important relationships made me – and still do – fear. As long as you are alone, it is enough for yourself, but when another person enters your life and conquers it inch by inch, what can you do? If the person suddenly changes his mind and abandons you or dies, what can you do with the part of you that remains empty? If I wrote this letter it is only to ask your forgiveness. You have no guilt, no responsibility in the end of our story. The weight of the loss will forever weigh on my shoulders. It helped me to understand that it is not possible to create paradises on earth. I don’t know if this letter will reach your hands. If it arrives, if you read it, it will perhaps end up torn or float for a while in the murky waters of the port. Seeing you shocked me, so many things moved inside me and I couldn’t help but write to you. Forgive me for this too.

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