ONE PURPLE DAY

  1. There are situations and people you need to get away from in order to breathe. It doesn’t matter what you want to do, it doesn’t even matter what you are expected to do, the only thing that is useful to keep in mind under certain circumstances is that you can’t risk going to the bottom of yourself to save someone else. And if in order to survive you have to let one or more people drift away, never mind. Your life goes away, if the past is there to scream that any attempt has always been in vain, if even the thought of hoping seems ridiculous, then there is no court within you that can condemn you nor are there sins to atone for. but only white flags to be lowered. Nobody saves himself but you don’t have to save everyone, especially those who have the fearful tendency to get into trouble and then pretend that you are the one to solve their life. The moment you understand that for some individuals it makes no sense to lose time, resources and effort, breathing becomes easier. Distance is the only cure, the only remedy.
It is difficult to explain a panic attack. It affects you in various ways, when you least expect it. Feel a hand tighten around your heart, and this accelerates, it would like to run away. The legs start shaking, you think the danger comes from outside but the epicenter is within you. You feel lack of air, you feel you die slowly and then in a hurry. All at once, like when you swallow a pill. This sense of oppression comes and goes. It is difficult to explain because it has so many nuances and everyone lives their own and new ones can be added every time. When fear comes, you don’t always have the courage to face it. It’s like dying, but the point is, it doesn’t, just hold on and survive. Your head starts spinning, you get dizzy, the room gets small yet incredibly deep. Everything seems deafening and dangerous. You close your eyes and the nausea moves inside you. You feel the weight of the sea on your chest and your heart is beating as fast as it can.

WHISPERS AND SCREAMS

Scream. I scream and I don’t feel. My cries are muffled in my pain. My stomach screams, my liver screams, my heart screams. Every single part of me screams, and the brain doesn’t hear. My head doesn’t let screams in. He keeps worrying about everything that happens around me, as if I cared about it later. But she prefers to listen to what the world has to say, maybe someone needs to be comforted. What does it matter if there is a mess inside me when I can solve someone else’s mess? And who solves mine? Nobody. Opening up has never been my strong point, at least not in words. Whoever looks me in the eye and observes me, knows what I feel. The pain, the joy, the sadness. But these people are few. And of these, half abandon you because you are too messed up and / or find better. But how can you leave after having known every strength and weakness of the other? The screams are not heard at all. And not everyone is able to understand them. But who can do it, where does he find the courage to abandon that person and feed his inner screams? And how can that person make their brain listen to screams? It is impossible to save yourself.
Or maybe one simply finds himself sitting undressed in the living room armchair in the middle of the night and, surprisingly, is captured by a horrible, corrosive perception of everything that has brought him to that point in his life, the hopes of childhood, lost friends, missed appointments, broken hearts, and yells at anyone who can listen to him, begs for everything to end, calls for a solution, for the program to be interrupted and not to proceed for even one more minute.
I know how you are. You try to look strong in all situations, but no one knows that when you are alone for a minute, your world collapses like a house of cards moved by the wind. You don’t know whether to scream, cry or break something. You have a mixture of emotions so damn strong that you feel bursting inside, but on the outside you seem happy like everyone else. I know you try to take refuge in music, but sometimes even that doesn’t lift your spirits. I would like you to remember, that no matter how difficult life may seem, you will always have the strength to overcome any moment, any adversity, anything!

HEART IN DARKNESS

Conrad. The good heart of Tenebra. How I loved Lord Jim !!! It was a happy time in my life. The only one. So, I can tell you that many words are beautiful but then it’s not that easy to find happiness. Especially if at 4 you found yourself a man who pushed one knee to your chest to rape you. Continued abuse for years has devastating consequences for a child. I have not eaten since 4 years. I ended up with injections and infusions. I no longer opened my mouth. Nobody understood what had happened to me. Then I unlocked thanks to my paternal grandmother and a hen, who became fond of me and made me understand that not all beings on this earth do harm. So as you can see I’m still alive and I owe this to the art that saved me by allowing me to express the immense anger and pain I had inside of me. I survived but at what price? I would have preferred that he had killed me because carrying death within him is even worse, you know. You often feel desperate. You fall into bad hands again. You get up and fall back and suffer. Until one day your father dies and you look in the mirror and suddenly you see your evil twin living violently. And so you become the executioner. But that doesn’t make you feel good either. Neither love nor pain can defeat the death that man made you suck. And what do you do? Therapy is done. You try everything but nothing is needed. There’s always that monster growling inside me. And I scream but nobody hears me. Nobody saved me that day.

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