FOLLOW ME

You understand that you have reached the limit when you start to change, you start to bring out everything that you have been holding back for years, you bring it out with all the anger in your body and then you feel the peace … the stillness, the world is silent, you feel free, that feeling of enormous weight that you have finally taken off. Only the power and warmth of your grasp could be able to calm the desperate scream that I hear rising from within. I hope You will understand this as soon as Your eyes rest on Mine.

ONE PURPLE DAY

It is difficult to explain a panic attack. It affects you in various ways, when you least expect it. Feel a hand tighten around your heart, and this accelerates, it would like to run away. The legs start shaking, you think the danger comes from outside but the epicenter is within you. You feel lack of air, you feel you die slowly and then in a hurry. All at once, like when you swallow a pill. This sense of oppression comes and goes. It is difficult to explain because it has so many nuances and everyone lives their own and new ones can be added every time. When fear comes, you don’t always have the courage to face it. It’s like dying, but the point is, it doesn’t, just hold on and survive. Your head starts spinning, you get dizzy, the room gets small yet incredibly deep. Everything seems deafening and dangerous. You close your eyes and the nausea moves inside you. You feel the weight of the sea on your chest and your heart is beating as fast as it can.

BEYOND THE IMAGINATION

Okay, I've never been here, I've only been here.

I've seen faces, walked streets, drank beer and smoked weed.

I wanted to do more, say more, but it's not the turn to feel sorry for yourself, not now.

Now we get up if we are on the ground.

Now let's run if we have learned to walk.

Now you don't just shout to the sky, now the sky will listen to us because we will make it tremble with our voices, so let us hear you.

Wherever you are, scream until you are free.

Turn up the volume of the music because it is the music that will set us free.

Forget everything for a moment, forget about being children, being fathers, mothers.

There are no bonds here except those we have built.

Forget everything for a moment, the worries, the pains, the pains, the hell, the tears.

Here we cry only for joy for having made it, to be alive always and in any case, because what you are never dies,

your word never dies.

I was born on a winter's night, in a valley of hopes and promises.

They are the consequence of my thoughts, my actions and beyond.

Beyond the imagination, beyond my head, my hands and beyond.

Leave a mark on all the people you've met and arrive at the end with nothing left, broken into a thousand pieces and beyond.

Over my arms, legs, feet and beyond.

Besides everything that has never been here

Besides all that has never been true.

WHISPERS AND SCREAMS

Scream. I scream and I don’t feel. My cries are muffled in my pain. My stomach screams, my liver screams, my heart screams. Every single part of me screams, and the brain doesn’t hear. My head doesn’t let screams in. He keeps worrying about everything that happens around me, as if I cared about it later. But she prefers to listen to what the world has to say, maybe someone needs to be comforted. What does it matter if there is a mess inside me when I can solve someone else’s mess? And who solves mine? Nobody. Opening up has never been my strong point, at least not in words. Whoever looks me in the eye and observes me, knows what I feel. The pain, the joy, the sadness. But these people are few. And of these, half abandon you because you are too messed up and / or find better. But how can you leave after having known every strength and weakness of the other? The screams are not heard at all. And not everyone is able to understand them. But who can do it, where does he find the courage to abandon that person and feed his inner screams? And how can that person make their brain listen to screams? It is impossible to save yourself.

Or maybe one simply finds himself sitting undressed in the living room armchair in the middle of the night and, surprisingly, is captured by a horrible, corrosive perception of everything that has brought him to that point in his life, the hopes of childhood, lost friends, missed appointments, broken hearts, and yells at anyone who can listen to him, begs for everything to end, calls for a solution, for the program to be interrupted and not to proceed for even one more minute.

I know how you are. You try to look strong in all situations, but no one knows that when you are alone for a minute, your world collapses like a house of cards moved by the wind. You don’t know whether to scream, cry or break something. You have a mixture of emotions so damn strong that you feel bursting inside, but on the outside you seem happy like everyone else. I know you try to take refuge in music, but sometimes even that doesn’t lift your spirits. I would like you to remember, that no matter how difficult life may seem, you will always have the strength to overcome any moment, any adversity, anything!

https://youtu.be/YOCaxpY0s34

HEART IN DARKNESS

Conrad. The good heart of Tenebra. How I loved Lord Jim !!! It was a happy time in my life. The only one. So, I can tell you that many words are beautiful but then it’s not that easy to find happiness. Especially if at 4 you found yourself a man who pushed one knee to your chest to rape you. Continued abuse for years has devastating consequences for a child. I have not eaten since 4 years. I ended up with injections and infusions. I no longer opened my mouth. Nobody understood what had happened to me. Then I unlocked thanks to my paternal grandmother and a hen, who became fond of me and made me understand that not all beings on this earth do harm. So as you can see I’m still alive and I owe this to the art that saved me by allowing me to express the immense anger and pain I had inside of me. I survived but at what price? I would have preferred that he had killed me because carrying death within him is even worse, you know. You often feel desperate. You fall into bad hands again. You get up and fall back and suffer. Until one day your father dies and you look in the mirror and suddenly you see your evil twin living violently. And so you become the executioner. But that doesn’t make you feel good either. Neither love nor pain can defeat the death that man made you suck. And what do you do? Therapy is done. You try everything but nothing is needed. There’s always that monster growling inside me. And I scream but nobody hears me. Nobody saved me that day.

INNER DEATH

Why don’t many women raise their arms, scream and rebel? Because they were killed by girls by men who abused them. This is why they continue to suffer without having the strength to rebel. Because they have been killed inside and cannot see each other, feel, live wanting something. They are like ghosts of themselves. We are always overwhelmed by those atrocious memories that cause us panic, depression and inner death. This is why we are unable to have more strength in our voice. We have been killed. I died at 4. Nobody can give me back my childhood and I hope that mankind will all disappear from the face of the earth. I don’t forgive anyone.