First the shyness, being a kind of ornament, cute, harmless, useful, immersed in my parallel world, in which only my vision of things was true. A world in which I could not be disappointed. Nobody would hurt me, I was a totally self-sufficient being, satisfied with the little things, independent of people because it was like that, it had to be like that. The study on friendship, my beliefs on reality. Then the awareness, realizing that my strength was my weakness, had created a void, made up of forced friendships, of people ignored. I realized that I had built an image that hid the real me from anyone, everything I was in addition to a studio machine or a perfect daughter. Maybe I was still nothing beyond that, and I wasn’t hiding anything, I simply hadn’t given space to everything I thought was “surrounding”. I tried to recover. In part, I grew up, I opened myself to others, to those who were willing to listen to me, now that I was willing to build something.We continually seek the company of others, in fact we are not able to be alone with silence. In the silence our fears, our anxieties, and our truest self emerge, which we nevertheless repudiate as if it were the most disgusting substance. I don’t know if the hatred we feel towards ourselves is something we have learned or that is innate in us, but it persists despite everything, indeed, whoever claims to love himself the most is the one who hates himself the most. Narcissists cannot listen to silence, as they have learned to ignore it. The less fortunate learn to hate each other without knowing the reasons, while some have to live with their own suffering in continually admitting the existence in themselves of dark places that are unbearable for everyone. The existence of man is a continuous escape from his own essence, since we are born without the means to contain our fullness.I can’t define my state of mind. It’s strange. It is as if I were totally normal, but at the same time I couldn’t help but think about this situation, which is both uncomfortable and fascinating at the same time. I lose my eyes in the void, even if to others it does not seem that it is distracting me. Or maybe I hope they don’t understand. I look at myself from the outside to try to understand something, but I don’t even know where I want to go, if I want to go all the way, or if it’s all an illusion, and what I’m thinking makes no sense. It probably is, although you find people here and there confirming that they are reality, these thoughts will remain imagination.
I keep feeling invisible. Everyday. I can’t do anything but smile like a fool, trying to convince myself that it can get better. But I already know that none of this will happen. And I’m afraid that this feeling that I have been feeling for months may last until the end of this year, perhaps leading me to exhaustion. I do not feel understood or listened to, for months I have been talking to the wall also demanding an answer, any reaction … A reaction that will never come, knowing those with whom I “speak” as a rule, too busy feeling important to even worry about why I respond badly to everyone in the morning. There is a reason, but they also ignore that. Could it be better? By now I have also lost hope in this. Fantastic.Stuck here staring at a stupid temple with the intent of giving voice to thoughts. The room is cold, it is raining outside and the rumors go round … thought after thought, the inability to give him a sense of logic is now far away, it must have been the hard day. Is it true that when we are tired we tend to think about who we shouldn’t? Oh, him, my friend of adventures, capable of making you feel over the moon but just as low as to be afraid. What is it that troubles me? What is it that is stopping me? Will I regret it someday or will another sixth sense be successful? What if the famous train everyone talks about has already passed? How do I know if it’s not someone else who just wants to play with my heart? I don’t know, I just know that anxiety assails me at night, the constant fear of becoming too attached to me. Where is this love? I can’t see it, touch it, feel it, feel it, I can hear some words, but I can’t do anything about it with simple words. Crying for someone who would never cry for you what nonsense is this? Go from loving so much until you feel every stab. Too many thoughts for one mind, how does it hold them all?You realize that you are really alone when you are crying and you start stroking your hair to calm down. I would like to disappear and no longer be found by anyone. I am immobile, I see life passing by in front of me I know I’m not paralyzed yet nothing about me wants to move. Something jumped. A fundamental pact between me and life. And I stay looking at it. I feel time slipping on my skin but that’s all I feel. An emotional squeeze from the heart gradually eases the whole body. And the blood turns black with ink. Obviously my hands move. I’m writing.
In Gail Honeyman’s popular novel, Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine, the protagonist describes loneliness as the new cancer, “A shameful, embarrassing thing, brought upon yourself in some obscure way. A fearful, incurable thing, so horrifying that you dare not mention it.” We don’t talk about it, and yet one in four adults is lonely, according to the Australian Loneliness Report. I’d describe my own loneliness as somewhere between sadness and a deep ache. Although the circumstances that brought it on – stepping out of an incredibly social career, moving to a new neighbourhood and having two babies in quick succession – mean I’m exposed to many risk factors for loneliness, it still took me by surprise. I love my own company, crave alone time and have happily lived by myself in the past. But, finding myself longing for support and connection – and not being able to get it – led me to a frustrating place where I was left asking: what is this feeling? Is it an emotion? A life state? And why does it feel so awful? “I think loneliness is an innate signal that a need is not being met, similar to hunger or thirst,” says Dr Michelle Lim, chair of the Australian Coalition to End Loneliness and a senior lecturer in clinical psychology. “From an evolutionary point of view, we are designed to be social, to thrive in groups and develop meaningful connections. The way we’re living now, many of our social needs are not being met, which triggers a stress response.”
THE PRODIGY OF IDEAS 