STORY OF VINCENZO

I have always loved my life. I have never lacked for anything: family, friends, kids and everything you could ever want. But I have always felt unsuitable, always out of place, always on standby. Like I’m in a storm waiting for someone to save me. But nobody ever came. Indeed, for anything it was always a continuous “but you are strong” and never a “come here, I’ll give you a hand”. At one point I thought I was wrong. Because let’s face it, I’m a mess. I’m worse than hurt. And who was that madman, not sane, who voluntarily chose to stay? Easy, nobody. Or so I thought. Even today, if I stop to think how it all started in such a banal and simple way, a smile escapes me. It is truly absurd. I always believed that when it happened it would be a movie thing, a blatant event, a bolt from the blue. But it was not so. It was better. Because I didn’t expect it, I didn’t even notice it and it hit me straight in the heart, but this time it wasn’t a pain but a joy. And basically, nothing, I was in this place that I do my own business and to myself and I was thinking only of the duvet that was waiting for me at home. I was bored, tired and the evening went by slowly in its crap. In short, a total shit. Then I turn around and notice a boy looking out from the balcony of the private room. Tall, brown-haired, well-dressed, sipping a glass of champagne, in short, scary cool. I start staring at it. I try to make him understand that I care but without getting too unbalanced, otherwise what bitch would I have been ?! And this game of glances lasts for a while. Then I lose sight of him. I’m looking for it, but I can’t find it. Sin. The evening continues and I decide to break down on the sofa at my table and wait there for the end of the evening. But at some point I feel my back being stroked. I turn around and he was there. I just couldn’t help but smile. I don’t know why, it never happened to me. Anyway we start talking about this and that, he tells me his name and pulls me another smile. His name is Vincenzo, like my father. It doesn’t take too long for us to kiss. And what a kiss. As if at some point there was nothing. No people. No music. No chaos. Only U.S. Only his hand touching my guncia. Just her full lips on mine. Only her perfume that drove me crazy. And then bam, they call me that we have to go away. Typical. I start having fun and we had to leave. We exchanged numbers and said goodbye. In the car, while we were returning home, I came to my senses, I made up my mind and I thought I was perhaps too drunk and that I would never see him again. But as soon as I got home I sent him a message, because I had promised to do it and that stupid promise was enough for me as an excuse to do it. I fell asleep and in the morning I didn’t think about it anymore. Only by accident did I notice that he had answered me. But in that moment I don’t know, something changed in me. An alarm bell rings. But then, only later, did he realize that I had misinterpreted what my heart was trying to tell me. But there in that moment, I simply snubbed him and even in the following weeks I was elusive, absent and disinterested. At one point on the phone his name no longer appeared. And I was a little sorry. Maybe even more than a little. Certainly more than a little. Another evening was organized in that club and obviously I couldn’t miss it. I didn’t make any plans but in my heart I hoped to see him again. Even in the car I wanted to disguise my little spern by saying to my friend: “You know, I met a guy here. Who knows if there will be tonight. Otherwise c’est la vie ”. And as soon as I entered, he took a look around the room, I was not even robocop with an x-ray view. But ninete. I didn’t see him. I let out a sigh that at times my lungs burst. Do you see that I’m strange? Feeling like this for someone who has seen you half a time, and it is true that it had never happened to me before but it was still an absurd thing. So what was the only solution? Alcohol. And as I go to the bar someone grabs me by the arm, I turn around like a beast but I become a puppy as soon as I notice that he is there. And here’s another smile. We are already three, it was a record for a boy. And it was for me too. Because ripped smiles are the truest and I haven’t had them like that for a long, long time. However, let’s not waste time and go outside to talk. It’s like eight thousand degrees below zero and so we stay close, I hug him tightly and as we speak my fingers touch his back. We talk, we talk a lot. Of so many things that I am baffled by the fact that she had so much desire to open up with me. Had I really made a good impression? Miracle. Well of course we kiss and again I feel full. Full of everything. It is difficult to explain it but while I try to explain to you what I felt while kissing me, my hands tremble on the keyboard, I feel my stomach upside down, like at the rides and then I smile with my mouth, with my eyes, with my heart, with my mind. You have understood? We decide that it is time to see each other out of the context of the place, where one catches each other by chance and there is not much intimacy. When I get home, in bed, but I always think it will eventually go away. I don’t know, I try to defend myself in some way. Not to delude myself too much. The next day I brought my hopes to zero and when we go get that coffee inside of me I tell myself that this is all a bluff and that it won’t last. And you can’t understand how bad it is to think such things while you are just sitting with a person talking about nonsense but you feel good, of such a great good that it almost hurts you. So when he takes me back to the house, before going down, I kiss him and tell him: “I will never see you again”. He looks at me, gives a hint of a smile and tells me: “See you tomorrow”. But did I go up the stairs? I think I flew up to the second floor. See you tomorrow?! That is, tomorrow is the most important thing that can be said at the beginning. But it was great to be told “see you tomorrow” and to see that he was really there. From that moment on, I have completely changed or I have almost become myself again. I took courage and took off that heavy and very hard steel armor that I always carried around me and underneath a little little girl came out. I wanted to play it all. This time it either goes or breaks it. And gone. It went great. I rediscovered myself. The desire to tell me. To open my heart and my brain. To give him my hopes, my ideas, my thoughts, my feelings. I discovered the joy of laughing at nonsense, the pleasure of opening your eyes and seeing his face first. I discovered the pleasure of hugs given from behind, as if to say “don’t worry, I’m always here”. I discovered the strength that can give you a look, a word, a handshake given by someone else. I discovered the beauty of the future in making plans. I discovered the fragility but it will never be used against you. I discovered the small gestures that become immense if he does them. I discovered feeling good, because there is nothing more beautiful in the world than starting every day with the knowledge that someone loves you. And I know that compared to everything I’ve always done and said I’m inconsistent, but if to be happy to suck I have to be inconsistent then I am. And then I found love. And love, well, how can I explain it. Take Shakespeare’s sonnets, Alda Merini’s poems, Colplay’s or Ed-sheeran’s songs, take Nutella, sunsets, books, music, movies, laughter, hugs, cotton candy, planes , Mc Donald’s, summer, clouds, the rainbow, hot chocolate, TV series and multiplied by ten billion. Here, that is similar to love for you. Instead for me love is one thing. For me, love is Vincenzo. Because sometimes it happens, not just in movies. This is for you. Thanks for existing.

RISE FROM THE BOTTOM

They say that when you reach the bottom you can only go up, but that’s not true, you can start digging with your bare hands and reach an even deeper place, even more dark and painful. But if you survive, if you find the strength to raise your head and rise from the abyss of suffering, then you will be able to see your strength and rejoice because there is no turning back. Nothing and no one will ever have the strength to bring you back to the bottom, and thanks to this you will be able to face the next obstacles with your head held high because no problem will appear greater than what you have already experienced and overcome.
Psychology states that you shouldn’t expect anything to feel good. Everything that happens to us must be a surprise. If a person sends us the “good morning” the following day we don’t have to wait for it again. We can’t get used to things, much less to people. If we consider events as surprises and never as expectations, we are happier.
Don’t settle for it. Don’t give yourself to the first one to pass. Do not prefer the easy things, in the end they always last a short time. And don’t be afraid of the difficult ones, difficult things are not for everyone, love is not for everyone and you are also not for everyone. Don’t settle for nice words, you need presence and constancy. Remember that to make a person happy you don’t need gifts or constant promises, you have to make them feel important, every day. Forget the one who betrayed you, but without ever being ashamed of trusting him, he should be ashamed of having betrayed her. Forget the speaker behind you, his place is right behind you. Forget those who are not honest with you. Don’t worry about it, don’t try to understand what they think, you can never really know what someone thinks, but you can understand a lot from how they behave and how they treat you. Believe in yourself but never put yourself above others. Intelligence is questioning yourself and not others, that’s just fear. If you are satisfied with the wrong people, unfortunately it is only your fault and it is you who must correct your mistakes, it is you who must learn to give people the same importance they give to you. the difficulties do not come if they make you lose your patience, but if they make you lose your desire, and if you are with someone it is because you want him and do not need. Don’t settle for those who play to lose you, let them win, never give up hope or kindness. Take care of your heart, don’t waste it, don’t throw it away, and when you return to love, enjoy every moment, without giving up anything. Don’t give up on love just because it could hurt you.
Love is reborn in my fantasies as a woman, in the repressed desires, in the desires and pleasures of my body. The fruit ripens, juicy and sparkling, sour in sweetness, and like the sea concentrated in a drop, which contains the strength of the waves in the salt. Pura a flame is ignited, a glow of light infests the darkness, it makes room by tearing the layer of the closed eyelids in the dark: light illuminate me and invade my flesh. I want to taste the passions, suffer from the pleasure, smile and enjoy.

BEING STRONG

One morning you wake up and just at the exact moment that fraction of a second just before setting your foot on the ground you understand what you really want, what are you willing to put up with and what not, what or who are you willing to put aside because the thing is to One way street… And everything that crushed you until the night before, made you sick becomes the past. Important and non-erasable part of your life, but past. Something you don’t want to hear anymore. There is a greater awareness of who we are and what we want. The road ahead will be long and often difficult, but having chosen ourselves for once and not others will make us feel better. People will never stop judging every step you take, without wondering why you are doing it, or for the person you are inside, they can only see what they want to see without really looking at you. You may be the coldest person on this planet, but do you really want to hide behind a mask to look strong? Is it really so important to show yourself for what you are not? Do you really think you are that strong? We all have weaknesses, fears, insecurities, but we are never alone. Someone tried to reach out to you to help you, why didn’t you take it? You think you can handle everything by yourself don’t you? But is not so. Nobody is alone in this world, you have to get help from someone, you can’t carry all the problems on your shoulders, friends, family, a point of reference, it helps not to keep all the load on your shoulders, let someone take a little ‘weight off your shoulders, you will feel lighter. For me, being strong is like an armor that over time, through mistakes and experiences, you learn to fortify. Being strong is also understanding, for example when a situation repeats itself several times, you learn to manage it and not feel bad about it, when people disappoint you several times, you learn to know how to behave should it happen again, without spending too much time cursing you. I do not consider myself a totally strong person, we all have moments when weakness makes us fall .. you are never completely strong, emotions are too strong feelings to make you feel “invincible”. I don’t always feel strong, it also depends on the topic, but I try.

%d bloggers like this: