TWO FACES

Too many things disappoint us for this reason we begin to no longer believe in anything.
Too many people hurt us, so we start not trusting anyone anymore.
Too many things “seem” and then not “are”.
This is why we begin to demand facts without letting words be enough.
I ran, I saw faces,
I talked to me I saw myself from above as you say
I put my things aside like it was dirty
I put the old me aside as if he were dead.
And with the passage of time the faces tend more and more to resemble faces,
and gestures to gestures, as if the chain did not want to break, and to every person who goes,
ready,
there was another there to start over,
one not wanted but necessary relay.
At that moment you think you are doing something that,
while going against your principles,
can do you good, can make you feel better
Then the next day,
all the people are ready to judge you,
to treat you badly,
not to talk to you anymore about something that doesn’t concern them in the least,
and they still make you feel like shit is worse than before, because let’s face it,
the comments of the people do not go unnoticed.
I’ve been quite nostalgic lately. I don’t know what it depends on. I have these flashbacks, triggered by some precise action or which come so suddenly. And they catch me off guard, most of the time. What anger I feel. I still don’t understand how it could have happened, how I didn’t realize that it was all just a fiction. This society, paper faces, television faces, mortal statues. I do not understand how I lived things, with that immeasurable naivety of the lilies, there on the piece of furniture while they watch the world die. Maybe that’s what I miss most of all, that happy version of me. Nothing seems up to it now, nothing seems to me really worth it. And that makes me lost, exasperated. I’m tired of living these empty, emotionless days. I feel I need a shock, that thrill that makes me wake up from all this apathy, all this emptiness that has led me to no longer be me. I feel I have to do something, but I am paralyzed, overwhelmed. I just need those real emotions that fill. And the emotion that filters the world out there is fear of death.

TWO FACES

I have too many thoughts, too many things that I miss, passages that I am going to look for and that in reality I have no interest in looking for. Paranoia is like a mother who is convinced that you do drugs and looks for the reeds in every dress you put on, a try, anything and instead you have not touched anything but for some inconclusive reason you have anxiety. There. This is what happens in my head when I try to understand why I have anxiety even if everything is ok. What am I trying to find? Why do I always have to feel guilty? Why does my past affect me so much? I would like to be quiet as I have always been but maybe I just have to force myself and look in the mirror for what I am without veils. Without what there have never been. I have to believe in me.
In all these years I have probably experienced too much internal noise, thought too much, I put too many problems, many non-existent ones, I have never actually given myself a moment of peace, of silence. Sometimes it seems that I don’t do anything, that I don’t even move, that I stand still in front of books, in front of the screen, in front of a sheet, a canvas, and instead I never stop away from the eyes of others. The only time I stop is when I look at the sky, or at the sea, when I want to understand what it has to look at, what it is, and why. Because the universe is stressed, because the sea is always pissed off. I just want one of those clear-cut explanations, such as those given to children, those full of imagination and reason. But I have no peace in my soul, I always try NOT to adapt, not to homologate, not to stay in it too much, I want to look at the world with different eyes, I want to feel free and light.I don’t mind celebrating what is not a goal for me. I never want to celebrate anything because the real event for which to do it has yet to come. I want to be with her and look at the world with different eyes, I want that for once I can decide and celebrate MY choice, not that of others, not theirs, not yours. I don’t want to celebrate my achievements, I didn’t choose to participate in the match. This is not what I want. After all, I will just want a moment of silence, have dinner by the sea and be in silence, alone with you.

%d bloggers like this: