I know I’m not always the best of the best. Often being paranoid and heavy. I have a thousand doubts and a thousand insecurities, I ask a thousand questions and the answers are not always certainties. I would like to live without thinking about the time that passes and the fear of not having lived every moment of this life long enough. I worry too much about the future given my past which alas will always leverage my present. It is that certain things you do not forget, certain things you carry them inside and the signs remain on you. They can be read in your eyes and feel under your hand with every caress that you find it hard to find sincere. After a hug you always expect a stab, and after a smile you are afraid that something will replace it with tears or silent screams. I learned not to let others hear me because to hear they hear, it is to listen that they do not listen. Just as when they stare at you, they see you but don’t look at you. It would take patience with me, but patience is a virtue that not everyone has, and besides, with someone like me, I would lose it too.
Cracks have opened within us. Everyone is an unsinkable ship at first. Then some things happen to us: people who leave us, who don’t love us, who don’t understand us or whom we don’t understand, and we get lost, we make mistakes, we hurt each other. And the hull begins to crack. And when it breaks there is nothing to be done, the end is inevitable. However, there is a lot of time between when the cracks start to form and when we fall apart. And it is only in those moments that we can see ourselves, because we see outside ourselves, through our cracks and into others through theirs. Once the hull falls apart, however, the light enters. And goes out.


I mean I’m not one who gives up… I mean, I’ve never done that. But as I was walking the other day, I thought back to my past. 2 years ago to be precise .. I was thinking of the person who introduced me to true love, the same person who then broke my heart in such a way that nothing would be the same as before. I thought and thought and all our promises, to the fact that I said to myself “at the cost of dying, I will not lose it” I thought of all the sacrifices I have made for her and how long I have waited for her. As I was walking, something stopped a whole stream of thoughts running through my head, and suddenly everything became clearer. It was time to close with the past … not because I had given up, but because the person I was was no longer there. And in my total awareness of an inner loss, I was tremendously happy. That boy was gone as he wished. With her by his side or with death. Luck wasn’t on his side… he fell, but he kept his promise. And I am happy, happy for this glorious loss. I was able to close a part of my life, my past. and now..what will the future bring me?
I grew up on it. The problem actually… is the technology. Facebook..the movies on TV..etc..see all the people who go out, turn the corner and find friends..this weighs on me every now and then. I can clearly feel the lack of this emotional trait. But on the other hand, I wouldn’t be able to be in big company. My normality is now part of me as much as I am part of her, what you call loneliness is just habit for me. I like to wake up in the morning, open the balcony to the sun. In fact, I learned that there is a lot of life and happiness here too. Once the balcony is open, the birds chirping, the wind in the trees and the smell of dew. God, I could never do without this. Everything is so alive in this desolate place.
It’s relative … now loneliness is part of me. I mean, I don’t call it loneliness anymore. it’s normal for me. When my friends came every now and then, they were bored to death, they did not listen to the birds, they did not smell the scent of trees and flowers, and they did not see the peace and harmony that surrounded them. rather! What I call peace for them is boredom and waste of time… so… it’s all relat
lately I feel that I belong nowhere and that I am not fully connected with any person. it seems to me that all of a sudden the people around me are strangers, people with whom I have nothing in common, with whom I have nothing to say and with whom I never feel 100 percent at ease. this makes me sad and I feel the need to find new people, people equal to me, who really understand me, with whom I can always be myself, however, it is so difficult, I am not good at relating, I am not good at making new friends and i am not able to take matters into my own hands because i always try to repress everything and not even try is what is best for me, i’m a bit of a coward and i know i will curse myself in the future but i just can’t do I change
Soon I will be back, perhaps stronger, perhaps weaker, and I will try to explain calmly and calmly what I have done and how I feel; now I just need not to think, because my thoughts scare me. I’d like to get distracted, find something to talk about that doesn’t make me uncomfortable, rediscover that strength to live that now unfortunately I lack. Thanks for the support you are giving me, thanks for the words, the phrases, thanks for everything. You are the only friends I have, and I truly thank you with my heart for staying close to me, for listening to me even when I don’t feel like talking, and for staying silent with me if I need to. I love you, really.



I would like to see the waves of the sea again. I would like to be a child again and play with sand. I would like to believe I have a nice future. and my fathfather and my past. I lost all of my past. I feel empty. I can’t wish for anything but the sea and its strong smell and the smell of fried fish that my mother cooked and it was beautiful. and it was a simple and beautiful life. I would like that life helping me make the sand castle. but all this is over. I didn’t lose a boyfriend. I’ve lost my life. I’ve lost my hope to go away from here.  I ask help to other women but feminist are ghosts now? Yes, feminist are ghosts.


the work that women do at 
home is not valued. 
every woman has to arrange,
 tidy up, do laundry and cook 
for her family, besides the work
 she does outside the home.
 but this work at home is often
 done only by the mother. 
children do not even contribute 
because they study and think 
that this housework should be 
done by their mother. 
the father cares and never 
contributes. we are in 2019 
and in most of the European 
states and in America and in the
 rest of the world women are
L obliged to manage the house 
and do all these things for 
women. so often they have no 
time for themselves and neglect 
their passions. 
become frustrated and unhappy.
 husbands and children don't care
 if a mother is sick.
 they spend all their time on 
social media and don't care if 
their mother is unhappy.
 often women do not even have 
friends or friends and here 
they keep everything inside 
themselves and the disease is
 neglected. until they decide 
to leave suddenly and disappear 
or throw themselves into some risky 
extramarital affair. 
women living in big cities can turn 
to some association that helps them. 
but women living in small towns 
have no help.

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