SOAP BALL

There are those days when you no longer understand anything, what up to a second before gave you happiness, makes you nervous, that thing that gave you suffering, becomes pathetic. In a few moments, everything loses sense and you feel like in a bubble, enclosed with your apathy, while the world around you goes on. Maybe some individual expresses perplexity, almost anger towards you, wondering and wondering, the why of all this … But you can’t answer yourself, let alone them and then you stay inside, waiting for the arrival of something or someone who instead of continuing to soap you, it will be able to burst your barrier and make you feel alive, again.
During these two years of imprisonment I have clung to words and promises that very often people make based on the circumstances, the moments of darkness. When this life returns to “normal” these words will have vanished, forgotten, because supported by a general illusion of being able to be better than what we really are. We are human. We need comfort and a foothold in our worst days. As soon as we get better we will behave exactly as we have always behaved. There is a pre-pandemic and a post-pandemic. The present we are experiencing is just a parenthesis that contains everything we would like to be but that our pride and our selfishness will extinguish as soon as possible.
I miss walking. Yes. Walking through alleys, villages, woods. Walking in search of things that I do not know and have never seen, of faces. Walk meeting faces. I smile many times at the people I meet and don’t know. Smiles come back to me. I’ve always done it, I do it on purpose. With the mask I will have to make my eyes smile more evidently. I will have to learn to collect returns quickly, so as not to lose them. Because the eyes change quickly,
faster than the mouth. I often think lately about my life a few years ago with all those dark moments. Especially shortly before leaving I had reached the point that I always tried to escape the eyes of others, I did not speak, I did not respond to provocations, as soon as I got out of the bus I hid in the gardens, I took the longest roads, those where no one passed but a few dogs with the master. Obviously not everyone judged me but I saw it like this after the sad judgments of some and imagined living in a giant plastic bubble where I could see the world and roll like a hamster and others saw me blurred or even better. they ignored me. It’s a lot of fun that I only got out of it by stepping forward instead, putting myself on the stage in bright colors without thinking about anything but who I loved. Perhaps I should understand this even now that I live more peacefully than avoiding exposure takes away both ugly and beautiful things equally.

BEING STRONG

One morning you wake up and just at the exact moment that fraction of a second just before setting your foot on the ground you understand what you really want, what are you willing to put up with and what not, what or who are you willing to put aside because the thing is to One way street… And everything that crushed you until the night before, made you sick becomes the past. Important and non-erasable part of your life, but past. Something you don’t want to hear anymore. There is a greater awareness of who we are and what we want. The road ahead will be long and often difficult, but having chosen ourselves for once and not others will make us feel better. People will never stop judging every step you take, without wondering why you are doing it, or for the person you are inside, they can only see what they want to see without really looking at you. You may be the coldest person on this planet, but do you really want to hide behind a mask to look strong? Is it really so important to show yourself for what you are not? Do you really think you are that strong? We all have weaknesses, fears, insecurities, but we are never alone. Someone tried to reach out to you to help you, why didn’t you take it? You think you can handle everything by yourself don’t you? But is not so. Nobody is alone in this world, you have to get help from someone, you can’t carry all the problems on your shoulders, friends, family, a point of reference, it helps not to keep all the load on your shoulders, let someone take a little ‘weight off your shoulders, you will feel lighter. For me, being strong is like an armor that over time, through mistakes and experiences, you learn to fortify. Being strong is also understanding, for example when a situation repeats itself several times, you learn to manage it and not feel bad about it, when people disappoint you several times, you learn to know how to behave should it happen again, without spending too much time cursing you. I do not consider myself a totally strong person, we all have moments when weakness makes us fall .. you are never completely strong, emotions are too strong feelings to make you feel “invincible”. I don’t always feel strong, it also depends on the topic, but I try.

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